


The Very Secret Diaries of McFly

by chimneythunder



Category: Busted (Band), McBusted, McFly
Genre: Crack, M/M, Multi, Silly, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-20 01:09:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2409575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chimneythunder/pseuds/chimneythunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cast your minds back to Comic Relief 2005. MSN is the most popular form of internet communication, Busted have broken up only a few months previous and McFly have been asked to do the single for Comic Relief that year, which is All About You. They're young teenagers, all living together in one giant house... and have just been asked to write a daily diary for a month to auction off for charity. Aww, isn’t that a wonderful idea?</p><p>Well, no.</p><p>Read on to get to know the four McFly boys better. There's laughter, tears, denied sexuality, false identities on MSN, a few important haircuts and a MUCH darker side to one of the boys than anyone's ever guessed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Very Secret Diary of Harry Judd

**Author's Note:**

> This was written back in 2005. Before posting it here, I've tidied it up in a few places but overall, it's pretty much as it was posted. 
> 
> Also, while I SHOULDN'T have to put this here, just to cover my ass - This is written VERY tongue in cheek and does not represent accurate portrayals of McFly or anyone associated with them.

DAY 1

  
It’s all Fletch’s fault. He came into the house today with a huge grin on his face.  
  
“What’s in the bag?” Dougie asked.  
  
“The best idea I’ve ever had!” he replied looked very pleased with himself. He opened it…  
  
…and pulled out four spiral notebooks.  
  
“You’re giving us school books?” I asked, looking at the pink one he had handed me with a satin cover. (PINK!)   
  
“They’re not school books, Harry!” said Fletch. “They’re diaries. You four guys are to keep a diary and then when they’re filled, we sell them off to charity!”   
  
I glared at him. “Why do I have to have the pink one?!”  
  
It’s not fair. Tom got a red one, Danny got a blue one and Dougie got a black one.  
  
“It was all there was in the shop,” Fletch shrugged. “Besides, you’re the most feminine out of the group, so I figured you wouldn’t mind!”  
  
I glared at him. There are bloody good reasons why I’m the most feminine but seeing as this is going to get read by some grotty teenie bopper in a couple of months times, I’m not going to put it down here.   
  
I opened the front page.  
  
“‘A Private Princess’s Diary’?! Fletch, I might be girly but I’m not a six year old!!”   
  
Fletch laughed. “You’ll get over it.”  
  
“There’s glitter all over it!!” I sniffed the pages. “And there’s perfume!!”  
  
“Well this might cheer you up,” said Fletch, opening his bag again. “Your diary came with a free pen.”  
  
He handed me a pink biro with what looked like a miniature fluffy flamingo on the top.   
  
I really don’t see the point in this. I mean, we’re not going to write anything deep and meaningful in these bloody books and the same goes for anything personal! Who the hell would want to read the diary of a 19 year old pop star?!   
  
I hate Fletch.   
  
And Dougie. I wanted the black one. It would match my mood.   
  
  
DAY 2  
  
Tried to paint over the bloody pink cover. I wanted to use black but Dougie, miserable wanker, started complaining that it would be too much like his. However, I found some hideous lime green paint at the back of my cupboard and figuring that it would be better than pink, used that.  
  
The person who designed this cover is clearly burning in hell for their sins. The green paint sunk into the satin, leaving no trace that there ever had been anything.   
  
I can hear the paint sloshing about in the cover and now this book squelches when I write.   
  
  
DAY 3  
  
Hahah!! Brilliant!! This book DOES have some uses to it after all!!   
  
See, we were on this TV show today (Not sure what it was. After a while, they all start to blur into one. This turned out to be particularly disastrous when Danny forgot that we were on a kids TV show and talked about how he “got off” to Joss Stone, with sound effects for those who didn’t know what it meant. We haven’t been asked back since.)

Anyway, on this show, the presenter, some blond idiot who giggled at everything, asked us what it was about this special thing we were doing for “Make Poverty History.” Tom proudly told her about the diaries, and she asked to see them.   
  
So of course, out came the book which I would have liked to be kept a secret for as long as possible.   
  
“Aww, Harry, you’ve got a pink one!” she squealed.  
  
“Yeah, don’t touch it, it oozes,” I warned, just as she was about to pick it up and risk getting slime all over her white dress.  
  
In hindsight, I should have just let her pick it up, especially with what happened next.  
  
“So Harry, seeing as you’ve got a pink diary, does this mean that the rumours about you being gay are true?” she asked.   
  
I laughed and told her that she had to be kidding. “I like gorgeous, smart girls like you too much!” I said. (Very good, just as Fletch had told me to say. He hasn’t told me what to say if a guy asks.)   
  
She giggled like crazy, when Dougie – God rot him – laughed and said “You? Harry said back stage that he thought that a ping-pong ball with a wig on would have more intelligence than you!”   
  
I did what any normal person would have done. I picked up my diary and threw it at his face.  
  
It was classic! Green slime went everywhere and we were all laughing about it like lunatics until I noticed that there was red bubbling amongst the green on his face.   
  
Quite cleverly, I’d broken Dougie’s nose.   
  
  
DAY 4  
  
Dougie looks hilarious. His nose is swollen and bruised which keeps his eyes permanently set to squint-mode but he has two black eyes as well. He looks like the demented crossover between a snake and a panda.   
  
The cover of this book has also gone some nasty brown shade, like a rotten apple. On the plus side, it no longer oozes, but there’s also now a large dent in the front where it hit Dougie’s nose. I asked Fletch if I could have a new one.  
  
“But it won’t be authentic then!” he said.   
  
I tried to explain as politely as I could that I seriously doubted that anyone would want to read a book with a cover that was a nasty mixture of pink satin, green paint and blood that’s been written by a 19 year old pop star.

We’ll be lucky to get 3p for this. How the hell is this going to help “Make Poverty History”?!   
  
In other news, James B. came over. He needs a place to stay, seeing as Matt kicked him out the house for moping about Charlie leaving the band. Tom told me to be nice to him, so I asked him what he wanted to do.

He moped about Charlie leaving the band for about half an hour. Tried to point out politely that this was four months ago and most people have got over it.   
  
God, James can be so unreasonable at times.  
  
And violent.   
  
  
DAY 5  
  
Katherine (older sister) has a birthday coming up soon. Should really send her something, seeing as I forgot Christmas last year. Mum still won’t let me live it down. (Well how the hell was I supposed to know we were going to Lapland to celebrate _Christmas?_! I just thought it was a family holiday!)   
  
Went out with Danny to nearby shopping centre to buy her a dress. They’re about the same size (Danny and Katherine, not Katherine and the shopping centre.) Went into about 50 girl shops, getting weird looks from all the shop assistants when I asked Danny if he thought something would fit him but what else can I do? I can hardly ask Kath to come out shopping with me for her surprise birthday present, can I?!  
  
Finally, we decided on a pretty off-the-shoulder purple dress. It looked pretty good on Danny, so I’m pretty sure it’ll look brilliant on Kath.   
  
At least, I hope it does.   
  
Danny was moaning that no one would take him serious as a bad-ass guitarist, and by asking him to try on a dress, I was insulting his masculinity.   
  
He does know he’s in a boyband, right?   
  
  
DAY 6  
  
Hmm. After hanging it up last night carefully in my wardrobe, I found Kath’s new dress on the floor of my room today, all stretched out of shape. Accused Danny, although thinking about it, maybe I should have picked a better time to do so than on Top of The Pops, especially right after his solo in “All About You.”   
  
Ah well, maybe this will take all the heat off me about being gay.  
  
Not that I actually AM gay.   
  
James still moping. Tom had to give up his bedroom so that he has somewhere to sleep. Dougie asked why we couldn’t just give him a fifty and send him to the pub. Have to admit, he had a good point. At least it would get him out of our hair (and house).  
  
  
DAY 7  
  
Went home to give Kath her present. She seemed happy enough with it. I told her that it was supposed to be baggy and that was the latest craze. I think she bought it.   
  
She did seem slightly confused about why it smelt so much of Lynx deodorant though.   
  
Mum told me that this didn’t make up for me forgetting Christmas, just as Kath was blowing out the candles on her cake. Way to ruin the wish Mum! No wonder Kath looked so bloody miserable afterwards.  
  
Went back to McFly house.   
  
Attempted to hang self in bathroom with Danny’s guitar strings but was interrupted by Dougie banging on the door whining “Are you still in there Harry?! Hurry up, I really need a wee!!!”  
  
Gave up on suicide attempt. Untied guitar strings from the lamp shade and climbed down off toilet.   
  
On the way out of the bathroom, Dougie asked me what I was doing in there with Danny’s spare guitar strings.   
  
“Wanking off,” I replied sarcastically.   
  
  
DAY 8  
  
Danny came into the recording studio today, screaming “WHAT ELSE OF MY STUFF HAVE YOU BEEN TOUCHING?!?!”   
  
Hate Dougie.   
  
  
DAY 9  
  
Accidentally walked into bathroom today to find Tom in the thickest bubble bath know to humanity, in the middle of an obscene act with... Danny??? Too many bubbles to see clearly.

Ran out quickly trying not to scream.   


  
DAY 10  
  
Danny and Tom keep acting all smug and happy with each other which pretty much confirms things.   
  
“And you accuse ME of being gay?!” I yelled.   
  
Danny and Tom looked up in the middle of arm-wrestle/lame excuse to hold hands.  
  
“Aren’t you?” Tom asked in mild surprise.   
  
I rolled my eyes and stormed out the kitchen. 

Hate couples. 

 

DAY 11  
  
Have just realised that all of this is going to be read by some sad-act teenie bopper who has about a million posters of us on her walls which she kisses every single night and listens to our CD and nothing else every single day, believing firmly that there are no other bands out there that are worth listening to. This is also the same girl who actually believes she has a chance with us and that should we meet her, we will be bowled over and fall in love immediately.   
  
So what have you found out so far, my dear little teenie bopper reading this?   
  
Tom and Danny are gay, James is obsessed with Charlie, Dougie is a knob, Danny has a mad fetish for wearing women’s clothing and I hate pretty much everyone and everything.   
  
Oh my God, this is going to be the perfect way to turn all our fans AGAINST us.  
  
  
DAY 12  
  
Fletch told us that we have an interview in a couple of days with some girls who run a website about us.  
  
How sad.   
  
Anyway, apparently these girls are going to put up the interview on their website so that everyone can meet the “real us.” This is about the seventh interview like this in two months.  
  
  
DAY 13  
  
Was woken up at some god-unearthly hour by James banging on my bedroom door. Was prepared to pull the bedcovers over head and ignore him when Danny yelled from his room “FOR GOD’S SAKE HARRY, LET HIM IN!!”  
  
Opened door, let James in. He wanted to mope about Charlie.   
  
In a kind and generous act, I let him mope for five minutes. Then I said “Man, I’m tired! See you in the morning!” and yawned widely, hoping he would get the (very blatant) hint.   
  
He didn’t. Instead, he just looked at me mournfully and said in a small voice “Can sleep in your bed tonight?”  
  
Was about to say “NO! Piss off!!” when he pulled THAT face. You know the one I mean. The one like Puss in Boots does in Shrek 2, with big wide eyes, looking sad.   
  
Gave in and said “Fine, I’ll go and sleep on the sofa downstairs.”   
  
“No wait, could you stay here?” he asked in that bloody small voice. “Would you just hold me?”  
  
I feel raped and violated. No sooner had I (very reluctantly) put one arm around James’s shoulders, he suddenly threw himself at me and wrapped his arms around my waist.   
  
So much for me holding him. Was hardly going to get any sleep with the small facts that there was –  
  
a) A 22 year old man having both arms wrapped around my waist and his head on my chest  
b) The same 22 year old man who spent about half an hour rubbing his head against my BARE chest. (Why, God WHY did I decided to sleep in my boxers and nothing else?!?)  
c) The same 22 year old man who, once he stopped rubbing against me, snored like a jack-hammer.   
  
When I tried to sneak out as soon as the sun rose, he wouldn’t let go. Instead, he rolled over on top of me. Dougie heard me give a yell of surprise when this happened and came to look. Instead of helping me, like most people would, he pissed himself laughing (well, not LITERALLY. Wish he had though), got Danny and Tom to come and look, and then took a photo.   
  
Bastard.  
  
Plus, James kept muttering “Ohhh Charlie,” in his sleep.   
  
I am NOT letting him sleep with me tonight. I will put my foot down and remain strong, even if he pulls THAT face. I am a strong, independent 19 year old male, I can do this.  
  
  
DAY 14  
  
In bed.   
  
James is lying on top of me again.   
  
I wish he wouldn’t. He’s not exactly a light-weight.   
  
Grabbed his phone while he was sleeping and texted Kara (James’ Ex, who dumped him the day after Busted split up and was only using him for fame) for help.   
  
“Harry ere. Not dat its hapenin 2 me bt in da unlikly evnt dat James woz slepin ontop of u wot wood u do 2 gt rid of him? Not dat dis is actualy hapenin. ”  
  
Kara texted back; “Tel J. Charli is downstars. Then barricade ur door while hes gon.”  
  
Tried it.   
  
Happy to say, it worked.   
  
  
DAY 15  
  
Stormed into Fletch’s office after interview with McFly website girl was over.  
  
“YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US IT WAS A SLASH SITE!!”

 

DAY 16  
  
Slash site put up interview. It’s even worse than I realised. Printed it off the worst part and stuck it in here.  
  
 _We were given the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview McFly. So naturally, we asked the questions that everyone has been wanting to know._  
  
 **US**  : So, Harry, what are these rumours about you being gay?  
 **HARRY**  : Haha, not likely!! I like gorgeous, smart girls like you two too much!  
 **US**  : _*Laughs*_ But seriously though, haven’t any of you ever felt attracted to another?  
 **TOM**  : Well, we’re all really close with each other. I mean, there’s four of us all living in the same house most of the time.   
 **US**  : We know, but do any of you love each other?  
 **TOM**  : Well, we’re all really close, of course we love each other! We’re like brothers!  
 **US**  : Cutting to the chase; have any of you ever kissed?  
  
 _Here, all the McFly boys suddenly cough and blush._    
  
 **HARRY**  : You know that we have, that’s where all the rumours about me being gay from!  
 **US**  : Ah yes those. Care to explain where they came from?   
 **HARRY**  : _*Mutters something under his breath and rolls his eyes.*_ Oh god, this is so stupid. Look, there was one party which there were some photographers at, and we’d all had a bit too much to drink!   
 **US**  : What happened?  
 **HARRY**  : You bloody well know what happened!!  
 **US**  : Yes, but there might be some people reading this who don’t know.   
 **DOUGIE**  : I doubt that.   
 **US**  : Go on, tell us.  
 **HARRY**  : Oh God. Fine, basically, after one too many drinks, there was a photographer taking photos in my face and he yelled at me “GO ON, DO SOMETHING SHOCKING!” So I did the first thing that came into my head, grabbed Dougie’s shirt and kissed him. It meant nothing!  
 **US**  : So Dougie, what was it like kissing Harry?  
  
 _Dougie squirms in his seat._    
  
 **DOUGIE**  : It was… you know… kinda like… you know?   
 **US**  : No… care to elaborate?  
 **TOM**  : * _jumping in*_ The problem is, they were both too wasted to remember it!  
 **DOUGIE AND HARRY**  : Yeah, that’s it!!   
 **US**  : Oh come on, two gorgeous guys kissing! Surely one of you had to remember what it was like! Dougie, give us the goss! Is Harry a good kisser?  
  
 _Dougie and Harry both look pretty mortified. They have both turned several shades of crimson._    
  
 **DOUGIE**  : _*Mutters something we can’t hear._ *  
 **US**  : What was that? We didn’t hear you! Say it again, a bit louder!  
 **DOUGIE**  : He was good.   
 **US**  : HA! And Harry, what do YOU remember? Come on, is Dougie a good kisser? He remembered you well enough!   
 **HARRY**  : Look, I’d rather not talk about this…  
 **US**  : Tough. Answer the question! You just have to say yes or no! Is Dougie a good kisser?  
 **HARRY**  : Well, it’s hard to remember! Plus, we were both drunk as hell, and it was really wet and messy. Oh shit, I didn’t mean to say that!!  
 **US**  : Dougie kisses wet and messy?!   
 **HARRY**  : NO! He was a really good kisser, it’s just – _*realises what he’s just said._ * Oh fuck! I’m digging myself in a really big hole, aren’t I?!  
 **DANNY**  : Just shut up!!!  
 **US**  : No no, answer this one question and then we’ll leave the subject. Did you or did you not enjoy the kiss?   
 **HARRY**  : If I say no I’ll upset Dougie!  
 **US**  : So you’re sensitive of Dougie’s feelings?   
 **HARRY**  : What?! No!!   
 **US**  : So you don’t care about Dougie?  
 **HARRY**  : What?! I never said that!!  
 **US**  : Yes you did!   
 **HARRY**  : No I didn’t!! I do care about Dougie!  
 **US**  : AH-HA! Look, answer the question already! Did you or did you not enjoy kissing Dougie?!  
 **HARRY**  : Fine!! I enjoyed it!! Happy now!?!?!  
 **US**  : Very! Thank you Harry, you’ve made our day!  
 **HARRY** : Good! Now go and pester Tom! Him and Danny have probably got some things they’d like to share with everyone!!  
  
  
DAY 17  
  
Danny and Tom are ignoring me. As soon as the interview turned on them, things turned pretty nasty.  
  
  
DAY 18  
  
Dougie cornered me on the staircase in the house today.  
  
“Did you really enjoy it?” he asked.   
  
“Enjoy what?” I asked, completely lost.  
  
“The kiss.”  
  
“Oh god, that. Look, it was just something that happened, all right? And it’s not my fault you’re a good kisser!”  
  
Dougie smiled. “You think I’m a good kisser?”  
  
I rolled my eyes. “You KNOW you’re a good kisser!”   
  
I turned around and got half way down the stairs when from behind me, Dougie said:  
  
“You were my first, you know?”  
  
I slowly turned around. “First what?”  
  
He shrugged. “Kiss.”   
  
My eyes widened and I took a step back…  
  
…and fell down the rest of the staircase.   
  
Dougie didn’t even help me up! He just stood there and shrugged again. “I just thought you’d like to know.”   
  
And he disappeared into his room.   
  
  
DAY 19  
  
WHY?! Why would he think I would want to know that?!?!  
  
  
DAY 20  
  
Went to recording studio today to record new album. Dougie kicked up a fuss because we refused to let him have a solo song, or bass solo. Dougie pouted furiously.   
  
Tom explained to Dougie that his voice sounds slightly whinny when he sings.  
  
He shrugged. “So?”   
  
“We don’t want people to think that we’ve pulled in a pre-pubescent child for a guest appearance on our new album!” Danny said.   
  
“Well what the fuck about you, Mr. fucking-Enrique-Englasias-wannabe?!” he snapped at me.  
  
“Me?! What did I say?!” I asked.   
  
“You got to fucking sing Hero at the concert!” Dougie yelled.  
  
“And for those who failed to notice, I was FLAT!!” I said, hating to bring up that wonderfully embarrassing moment.   
  
“SO? At least you got to fucking sing!”  
  
“You sung at Christmas!"   
  
“That’s not the same you little shit and you know it!!”   
  
Am slightly confused as to how it’s different. I mean, I sung one line for Hero (and was flat at the start of it, hence the reason why I try to get out of singing as much as possible) where as he sung whole verses for “Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town” and “Little Saint Nick”.   
  
“Look, Dougie, we’ll let you sing the backing vocals for ALL the songs, if you like!” said Tom.  
  
“Fuck off you miserable wanker!! That’s all I ever get to fucking do!!” Dougie yelled. “Why can’t I sing my favourite song like Harry did?”  
  
“Dougie, what have we said about bringing that up in public!!” I said, turning red. I could feel it happening, my face was all hot.   
  
To cut a long story short, Dougie said “fuck” about a million more times, and displayed some very creative uses of the word in the process.   
  
He’s still not got a solo though. HA!!!

 

  
DAY 21  
  
After a horrible day of useless interviews, went back to McFly house, ready to collapse on my bed at about midnight.   
  
Quite scarily, when I turned on the light, James was sitting on my bed. Yelled in horror.  
  
“What are you doing in here?!” I asked.   
  
“Harry, we need to talk,” he said in a very scary way.  
  
“About what?” I asked.  
  
“About me and you,” he said. “About us.”  
  
“What ‘us’?! There never was an ‘us’!”   
  
“When you share someone’s bed, you create a special bond with that person,” said James.   
  
“Go on, get out!” I said, pointing at the door. “Get out my room!”   
  
He left without much fuss (read: MUCH) and eventually agreed to go IF ;  
  
“Can I have a kiss? I just get so lonely.” (James said that, not me)   
  
Am NOT putting what happened next.   
  
On the plus side though, James has gone back to Matt.   
  
  
DAY 22  
  
Walked past Danny’s room last night to get a midnight  ~~snake~~  snack, when suddenly I heard Danny give the most terrifying moan.   
  
Was ready to ignore it, thinking he must have been having a bad dream, when he did it again. He really sounded as if he was in pain.   
  
Hammered on his door “Danny?! You alright in there?!” and was about to open it.  
  
“NO! Don’t come in!!” he yelled.  
  
“You sure?” I asked.  
  
“YES! Go away!!”  
  
Was walking away when I heard him give the moan again. Ran back, opened door.  
  
Saw Danny and Tom in the most absurd position I have ever seen.   
  
NAKED!!!  
  
We stared at about each other in some macabre version of "Musical Statues" and then I quickly closed the door, ran downstairs and locked self in kitchen.   
  
  
DAY 23  
  
Can’t look at Danny or Tom in the eye without going bright red and the same goes for them with me. Dougie wants to know what the hell has happened. He fears we’re splitting up.   
  
We all laughed at this, until we saw James standing outside the window with his face pressed against the glass.  
  
Then we all started screaming.   
  
Things probably weren’t helped by the fact that there was a thunderstorm going on outside so James was being illuminated by random flashes of lightning.   
  
And the fact that there had been a power cut in the house.  
  
And the fact that we know James has a key to our house.   
  
Fletch has had to put a restraining order on him.   
  
  
DAY 24  
  
Found severed horse head in my bed today.  
  
Called Fletch.  
  
Fletch called police.  
  
Police came and pulled James out of the bushes in the back garden and locked him in a police cell.  
  
  
DAY 25  
  
Oh crap oh crapohcrapcrapcrapcrap I just kissed Dougie! AGAIN!  
  
And we were both sober this time as well to make matters worse!!   
  
And we were on a live kids TV show!!!  
  
BUGGER!!!!! BUGGER!!!! BUGGER!!!!!!  
  
To make matters worse, have discovered Dougie really is a fucking amazing kisser.  
  
DAMN IT!!!

 

  
DAY 26  
  
Fletch came storming into the house today with every single newspaper in England in his hand (well, not every single newspaper in England. Just all the types, like The Sun, The Telegraph etc.)  
  
Was horrified to see that mine and Dougie’s kiss had made THE FRONT PAGE on ALL OF THEM.   
  
With FULL COLOUR PICTURES.  
  
Don’t these people have wars to talk about?! Or murders?!? Or some famous person dying?!?! Do they really have nothing better to put up than a story about two boy kissing??!! Danny and Tom SHAG all the time, but you don’t see that making the front page!  
  
I don’t even know how it happened - One minute we were talking about the next album, the next, Dougie, who was standing behind me said something, I turned around to look at him, and then he’d swooped down and kissed me!  
  
Was treated to a lecture from Fletch, about how if we WERE in a relationship, we had to keep it off day-time kids TV shows. Tried to point out that me and Dougie were not actually going out.  
  
“I’m straight!” I protested.  
  
Fletch looked at me and burst out laughing.   
  
I wish people would stop doing that.  
  
   
DAY 27  
  
NOTHING HAPPENED TODAY. NOTHING AT ALL.  
  
  
DAY 28 

  
A hysterical woman phoned up the McFly house. Danny answered it.   
  
“I’LL NEVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN NOW!!! HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH?!??” she screamed.   
  
“Hello Mrs Judd,” Danny said politely, “Would you like to speak to Harry?”  
  
“YOU GET THAT LITTLE GAY BASTARD ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!” she yelled.  
  
“MUM,” I yelled from the other side of the room, “YOU’VE STILL GOT FOUR OTHER KIDS, TWO OF WHICH ARE MARRIED AND ACTUALLY ALREADY HAVE KIDS!!!!”  
  
Mum was silent. Then she said something in a normal voice which I couldn’t hear.  
  
“She wants you to know that she’s very happy for you,” said Danny, listening, “And that if you want to be gay, you can be gay.”  
  
“But I’m not!!” I protested.  
  
“He says he’s not,” Danny said down the phone. Then to me he said, “You mum says whatever you want to call it, multi-orientated or bisexual.”  
  
“But I’m not any of them!! Tell her she’s being a daft old bag, and until she comes round and finally accepts that I’m not gay, I’m not talking to her!” I said.  
  
“He says that he’s happy you’re so understanding, and he’ll call you later,” said Danny down the phone, before hanging up.  
  
Wanted to throttle Danny, but alas, murder is still illegal in this country, no matter how much the person deserves it.   
  
  
DAY 29  
  
Oh god.  
  
Fletch is officially (and unofficially for that matter) the biggest bastard in the history of mankind.  
  
Remember that argument that me and Dougie had in the recording studio about how he never got to sing? Well, no one told us that we were being recorded and Fletch, being the hilariously funny person that he is, thought it would be nice if they put it as the first track on the album.   
  
So now the whole world will think that Dougie has Tourettes or something, and that my favourite song is “Hero”.   
  
I must have been a total wanker in my past life to get this kind of karma.   
  
In other news, because today hasn’t been crap enough, James broke out of prison. V. worrying.  
  
  
DAY 30  
  
Diaries off for auction tomorrow. Am actually kinda sad to see this book go. It’s been fun to write it all down. Might keep a new one after all this. Am actually very interested to see what the others have put in theirs but Fletch says I can’t. Don’t see why. I mean, this time tomorrow, some grotty teenie bopper is going to be reading all of these, so why we can’t see what we’ve written about each other is beyond me.   
  
Was in the bath last night when I heard something outside the window. Figuring that it was a cat, I ignored it and carried on soaking.   
  
Next thing I know, James has climbed through the window while I'm starkers in the bath.   
  
Screamed.   
  
Danny, Dougie and Tom came running. Tom threw a towel over James' head and then slipped and fell in the bath. Danny ran over to try and help, tripped over Tom's flailing leg and fell in the bath. Dougie eventually stopped laughing and helped James to his feet. Dougie swore he was trying to take him to lock him in the airing cupboard but apparently James managed to overpower him and escaped. Meanwhile, I was stuck NAKED in the bath with Tom and Danny on top of me. Not exactly an experience I want to repeat any time in the near future.

 

Or ever, for that matter.   
  
Was going downstairs to speak to Fletch about getting stronger locks when Dougie cornered me on the staircase again.   
  
“Look, I know you’re bent out of shape from kissing me,” he said in low voice in my ear. I could tell he was smiling, god rot him. “But when you finally figure out what you want, I’ll be waiting.”  
  
Why the hell does Dougie keep kissing me every time we see each other??! More importantly, why the hell do I keep kissing him back?!   
  
My God, is everyone in this band gay but me?!


	2. The Very Secret Diary of Danny Jones

DAY 1.  
  
Weekend getaway with James went wrong when I told him that I wanted to talk about something ELSE than Charlie.   
  
In other news, got given diaries to write in. Was halfway through writing about what me and James got up to when Harry pointed out that they were going to be read by “some grotty teenie-bopper.”   
  
Ripped out first seven pages and started re-writing.   
  
  
DAY 2.  
  
Went on my MSN Rat_Leg to see if James was around when someone called DannyJ was started talking to me.  
  
Rat_Leg : Hey who is this?  
>  
DannyJ : Guess.  
>  
Rat_Leg : I don’t know! How did you get my email?  
>  
DannyJ : Found it on a guitar tab site. You posted up that really good version of Memory Lane, remember?  
>  
Rat_Leg : Oh yeah, so who is this?  
>  
DannyJ : Have a guess… my SN should give it away…  
>  
Rat_Leg :I don’t know!! That’s why I’m asking!!  
>  
DannyJ : Just guess!!  
>  
Rat_Leg : I DON’T KNOW!! JUST TELL ME ALREADY!!  
>  
DannyJ : Fine! My name is Danny Jones. I’m in McFly.  
>  
Rat_Leg : Are you really?  
>  
DannyJ : Yeah, please don’t tell anyone.   
>  
Rat_Leg : Don’t worry, I won’t. Who would believe me?!   
  
Anyway, we chatted for a while. Apparently, I really hate Tom, me and Harry are going out and I’m thinking of leaving the band.   
  
Really?! Why was I not informed?!  
  
  
DAY 3.  
  
Harry broke Dougie’s nose.   
  
They really do have love/hate relationship.   
  
Backstage, was talking to Tom when I noticed he had something white on his sleeve. Was wiping it off, when he asked me if I liked guys. I told him they were OK. He asked me if I liked him. I told him I did, which seemed to make him a lot happier. Not sure why exactly. He’s a good friend, and he knows that, so why would he ask me if I liked him?   
  
  
DAY 4.   
  
Dougie looks hilarious. His nose has swollen up to the size of Canada and he also’s had a bad reaction to Tom’s cooking, which has given him a rash on his arse that looks strangely like a map of the London Underground.   
  
In case you’re wondering how I know about his rash, I’ve got the same one too. Tom tried cooking last night. He was very proud of himself, saying that if music fell through, he could always become a chef.   
  
Me and Dougie took one mouthful and instantly nearly threw up. Harry, who had been watching our reactions, suddenly pushed his plate away and said “Mmm Tom, that was delicious, but I’m full!!” and then made a mad get-away.   
  
Lucky bastard.   
  
On other news, James B. came over.   
  
  
DAY 5.   
  
Harry dragged me out shopping to get a pressy for his sister.   
  
What he didn’t tell me was that he needed ME to be the model.   
  
“How can I try on girl’s clothes?! I don’t have the right figure!” I said.   
  
Harry opened his bag and pulled out a bra that had been stuffed and sewn up with socks. “Now you do,” he said, shoving me, the bra and a ton of dresses into a changing room. When I came out, Harry was nowhere to be seen.   
  
“Harry?” I called, walking down the dressing room, wearing some hideous sparkling, off-the-shoulder number, when a little girl came running out one of the cubicles and straight into me.   
  
“Oh, sorry!” she said standing up.   
  
“It’s OK,” I said, “Have you seen a tall guy with a mullet hair-cut here at all?”   
  
The girl gave me a weird look and shook her head.   
  
“Oh well, thanks anyway.”   
  
I turned around and carried on my search when I caught sight of myself in a mirror.   
  
Froze in horror.  
  
Purple is really not my colour.   
  
And sparkles make my nose look big.   
  
NOTE TO SELF: Never wear purple again. Never wear sparkles again. Never wear both at the same time. 

  
  
DAY 6.  
  
On Top Of The Pops, was happily playing the solo for “All about you” when suddenly ;-  
  
“DANNY!! Did you put on Katherine’s dress? You know, the purple one I got her for her birthday that you tried on in the TopShop to see if it would fit?!”  


Why, why, WHY did we have to give Harry a microphone in performances?! He doesn’t even sing!!   
  
Tom and Dougie had stopped playing. The whole audience was watching in gapeing silence. At the back of the studio, I could see Fearne Cotton looking at me in disbelief. Behind her was a large television screen which showed what the public at home could see on their TVs.   
  
It was a close up of my face.   
  
While I was staring in horror at this giant vision of my face, suddenly Fearne Cotton jumped in with “AND THAT’S ALL WE’VE GOT TIME FOR THIS WEEK!! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!” just as I was about to scream “NO! It was -”   
  
My nose looked huge and I wasn’t even wearing sparkles this time!!   
  
  
DAY 7.   
  
Fletch called me into his office.   
  
“In future, Danny, just lie about these things,” he said.   
  
“I would have! But I was too busy being scared shitless by the 10-foot version of my face! Why did no one tell me that my nose was so big?” I replied.   
  
Went home. Tom was standing in the doorway to greet me. He said something in French that either meant “Welcome home, I’ve got the dinner on,” or “I want your penis in my mouth.”  
  
Need to brush up on my French to avoid any potential future misunderstandings. Still, am V. proud of self. I managed to reply to Tom in French that I was starving and hoped he’d cooked chicken.  
  
 _Petain_  is chicken, isn’t it?  
  
  
DAY 8.   
  
Was walking past Dougie’s room when I heard the strangest gasps and groans. Stopped and listened.   
  
The moans and gasps sounded like Harry when he’s about to have an orgasm. (‘Reading alone in his room,’ my arse!) and I could hear a crackling noise in the background.   
  
Realised Dougie must have finally caught Harry and was electrocuting him in some strange, kinky, crazy ritual sacrifice/shag. Burst in, ready to save the day…   
  
And saw Dougie watching the TV with Harry _not_ in the room.   
  
Found out that Dougie had actually been watching a clip of that TV show we were on when the presenters had put Harry and Dougie in electric chairs and when the weirdo’s on the line got a question wrong, they got an electric shock. (I swear, the girl who had Dougie was cheating. She repeated every question she was asked, obviously to an adult in the room, who then gave her the answer.)

 

Sometimes, I do wonder about my life and career choices.   
  
  
DAY 9.   
  
  
Accidentally walked into bathroom today to find Tom having a bubble bath getting a blow job off... Harry??

 

Too many bubbles to see clearly and didn’t really want to stick around for details.

  
  
DAY 10.   
  
Tom’s been trying out these new muscle growth pills (A.K.A, steroids) and he wanted to see if they’d been working, so he invited me to an arm-wrestle.  
  
To tell the truth, if anything, Tom’s  **weaker**  but he seemed so happy when he blew all of his money he’d earned so far from being in McFly on the “Miracle pills” that I didn’t really want to ruin his happiness. 

 

Plus, when Tom finds out that he’d wasted £20,000, I don’t want to be in the room at the same time.   
  
So anyway, I pretend that Tom’s really strong, just to make him happy, when Hazza bursts into the kitchen, looking pissed off.   
  
“And you accuse ME of being gay?!” he yelled.   
  
Was about to come back with something amazingly witty and hilarious that would live on in history forever when Tom butted in with “Aren’t you?”   
  
Wanker.   
  
Although, I wonder why Harry and Tom keep screaming at each other for no good reason? Lovers tiff, clearly.

  
  
DAY 11.   
  
My nose is seriously getting huge. It’s getting bigger every day, I swear! I’ll eventually have to invest in some nose-carrier, that not only holds my nose up, but also pushes it in.   
  
Had a look through the laundry and I found some (hopefully clean) y-fronts. Went downstairs with new nose holder on. It seemed to be working, until I caught sight of my reflection in the window.   
  
Realised I looked rather silly, so I took the pants off my head.   
  
Also, I get the nasty suspicion they HAVE been used.   
  
  
DAY 12.  
  
Cheerful news!   
  
We’ve got an interview with a slash site in a couple of days. After Fletch had told us, he  ~~pulled me and~~  pulled me ASIDE and told me to make sure Harry didn’t say anything stupid.   
  
I’m sure he’s thinking back when Harry told SUGAR magazine about his sex life, and also how self-conscious he is about being too skinny. At least he IS skinny. His nose is smaller than mine. It’s not fair.   
  
Maybe it’s my hair colour that makes my nose look big?   
  
  
DAY 13.  
  
Stood in bathroom with a bottle of bleach in front of the mirror.   
  
“So long brownie!” I said, and then instantly felt hungry.   
  
Plugged the sink in, and filled it with toilet bleach. In my defence, Tom’s used up the last bottle of peroxide.   
  
Waited a few minutes, then dunked head into bleach. Even though it hurt like hell, I left my head in for a good half hour (which gave a HUGE crick in my neck)  
  
Emptied sink, and realised it had gone from a deep green to a nasty, pale colour. This was a good sign, if it managed to change stone, then it should change my hair!  
  
Got the biggest heart attack later though.   
  
I wasn’t some gorgy beach blond, there wasn’t even a hint of blondness in my hair.   
  
My hair had gone shocking while, and it was all horrible and stiff.   
  
Grabbed brown hair dye, but then, things went really wrong, as the white hair when ORANGE and STREAKY. And it was so stiff that it was sticking up firmly.   
  
So yeah, I looked like a mess.   
  
And my nose STILL looked bad.   
  
I thought maybe if I cut it a bit shorter, it wouldn’t look so bad, so I grabbed Dougie’s electric razor that he uses to shave his back and gave myself a number 1.

 

It made it worse.   
  
Grabbed a beanie hat and ran out the house, making sure that the offending orange/white stubble wouldn’t show through. Got to hairdressers.   
  
“How can I help you sir?” the receptionist asked.  
  
“It’s an emergency,” I said.   
  
“Well, we can fit you in next week for an appointment,” she said, looking at the diary thing.   
  
“No, it’s really urgent, is there anything you can do today?”   
  
“I’m sorry sir, but we’re fully booked.”   
  
Extremely pissed off, I leaned over the counter and glared at the useless woman. “Listen lady, I am a 19 year-old pop star, who lives in a house with three other guys. If they were to see my hair like this, it would be so bloody awful that I would still be trying to live it down in the year 2067. I also have several interviews and performances, and if I were to show up looking like this, my life would probably hit its end in a very brutal way by being torn to pieces by teenie boppers because of it.”  
  
The lady rolled her eyes. “Fine sir, let’s see how bad this is.”   
  
I pulled off my beanie.  
  
Instantly, the secretary screamed, which caused the rest of the shop to look at me. There were several gasps of horror, and one woman even shielded her daughters eyes.   
  
Finally, a very gay looking hairdresser walzed up to me. “I am Francesco, I be the top stylist in Europe. I help you to get rid of this, this, this  _tres merde_  haircut immediately.”  
  
I left wearing a wig.  
  
Hair doesn’t take too long to grow, does it?!  
  
  
DAY 14.  
  
Was mooching around on some slash sites, when DannyJ said “hi”  
  
DannyJ : Hey!   
>  
Rat_Leg : Hullo, hows life in McFly?   
>  
DannyJ : Really good! We’re recording our new single tomorrow.  


  
Checked calendar. Was relieved to see that we’re NOT, which is good, as Bella, the chef who works at the studio, has an annoying habit of running her hands through my hair and saying “Oh, you have GORGEOUS hair, Danny! Never, never, NEVER do anything to it!” in an Italian accent (Which really gets annoying after a while, as she’s actually Welsh.)  


  
Rat_Leg : Oh, so what’s it called?  
>  
DannyJ : I got you.  


  
WRONG!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!   


  
Rat_Leg : Hmm, I’ll have to get that then when it’s out. You know when?  
>  
DannyJ : Proably next year.  


  
As if!! The teenies would KILL us if we took more than a year getting our next album out!  


  
Rat_Leg : Can’t wait! So, are you and Harry still an item?  
>  
DannyJ : Shhh! Yeah, he’s here right now!   


  
Looked around room. Harry was nowhere in sight, although this was probably because we’d left him Bourne-Sitting.   


  
DannyJ : Hey, it’s Harry here. Just typing to say hello! What’s your name?  
>  
Rat_Leg : Uh…. Kate.   
>  
DannyJ : Oh, cool. So Kate, how old r u?  


  
I panicked. I can’t think on the spot under pressure at the best of times, especially when trying to lie about myself to myself!   


  
Rat_Leg : 13. U?  
>  
DannyJ : 17.   


  
If this person thinks that Harry is 17, just how old do they think Dougie is? 12??!  


  
DannyJ: Yeah, well, we got to go, we’ve got to film our video. Please don’t tell anyone about us!   
>  
Rat_Leg : Ha! Who would I tell?! Who would believe me?!  


  
I can picture it now, walking up to Fletch… “Guess who I’m talking to on MSN? Danny Jones!!” The men in white jackets seem to feature heavily in that day-dream.   


  
DannyJ : Yeah, well, c ya Kate!   
  
DANNYJ HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION.   
  
Rat_Leg : Idiots.   
  
  
DAY 15.   
  
Interview with slash site was awful.   
  
Fletch is gonna kill me, Harry admitted that he enjoyed snogging Dougie, and then made up the most stupid bullshit about me and Tom dating.  
  
Where on earth does he come up with this stuff?!   
  
To make matters worse, I ended up revealing to Tom my god-awful chav hair-style, as, let’s face it, that’s what I look like at the moment without my wig… I caught sight of myself in the mirror yesterday and nearly screamed – I thought it was a chavy burglar in the house!

 

  
  
DAY 16  
  
Slash site put up interview. It’s even worse that I realised. Printed it off the worst bit and stuck it in here.   
  
 _Harry’s just stormed out of the room in a very diva-like way._  
  
 **US:**  He’s in a bit of a bad mood, isn’t he?  
 **DOUGIE:**  Haha, he always is!   
 **US:**  Could it be because we’ve just forced him to reveal his deepest, darkest secret?  
 **DANNY:**  What, that he enjoyed the kiss?! Haha, what kind of a sad-act would he be if THAT was his only secret! We’ve all got secrets that are far worse than that…  
 **US:**  So you’re saying that you have secrets that are more darker than the fact that one of you is potentially gay?  
 **TOM:**  No!!   
 **DANNY:**  Look, just because you enjoy kissing other guys, it doesn’t make you gay!!   
 **US:**  Are you talking from experience here, Danny? Is this what Harry was referring to, about you and Tom?  
 **TOM:**  What!? No!! That was just Harry trying to take the heat off himself because –  
 **US:**  Shut up Fletcher! We asked Danny the question, not you!!  
  
 _Danny is squirming in his seat, and for some reason, he’s suddenly patting his hair._    
  
 **US:**  Well Danny? It’s a simple enough question!!   
 **DANNY:**  THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY HAIR!!!! STOP LOOKING AT IT!!!!   
 **US:**  We never said –  
 **DANNY:**  *Nearly in tears* And I KNOW my nose is too big, do you HAVE to make such a deal about it?!?  
  
 _Tom wraps an arm around Danny’s shoulder as he breaks down in tears._  
  
 **TOM:**  *To us* Do you think you could give us a few minutes alone? Just till he calms down?   
  
 _We leave the room without much reluctance. Hey, if these two boys want some ALONE TIME, then we’ll be more than happy to let them have it…  
  
Just as long as we can listen in at the door.   
  
Unfortunately, Dougie kept distracting us, so we only managed to catch snippets of what they were saying. Here’s what came next, including Dougie’s bloody awful ramblings._    
  
 **US:**  What do you think made Danny cry like that?   
 **DOUGIE:**  He’s paranoid lately… He keeps touching his hair a lot. Maybe he’s got nits? -  
 **DANNY:**  *Howling* I CAN’T F***ING DO THIS ANYMORE!!! I HATE LIVING IN SECRECY!!   
 **DOUGIE:**  - Or it could be like that time that we all got crabs off James Bourne… that wasn’t a fun time…  
 **TOM:**  You can’t tell anyone Danny! It would kill your career!   
 **DANNY:**  So?! At least we wouldn’t have to… LIE, like this. I wouldn’t have to hide behind this wig all the time! _(We’re assuming that he’s referring to a metaphorical wig…)_  
 **DOUGIE:**  That was an awful time, we were all like _\- *Mimes scratching his crotch* -_ ‘aHHHhhhHHHhhh, dude, what the hell is going on here?!’ and Bourne-o was like ‘Don’t look at me!!’ -  
 **TOM:**  - Danny, listen to me. I love you, which is why –   
 **DOUGIE:**  - and then we were like ‘So you got crabs from shagging Simpson, and then gave it to all of McFly?!?! THAT’S not going to be easy to explain!’   
 **DANNY:**  Tom, I love you too, but it’s just not that simple!! I wish it was, but this is killing me!   
 **DOUGIE:**  - and our managers were SO pissed with us when we told them that we all needed to have a few days off, but I mean, come on, it wouldn’t have gone down very well, would it? McFly, sitting on live TV on MoM, scratching their dicks 24/7!!   
  
 _Tom and Danny are muttering something to each other, which we can’t make out. We catch random words though, such as “chavs”, “hair”, “love” and “why?!”  
  
Suddenly, Tom sticks his head around the door._    
  
 **TOM:**  You can come back in now, but ix-ney on the air-hay!   
  
 _WTF?!  
  
Anyway, we go back in. Danny is sitting on the sofa, looking much calmer than when we last left him, but he keeps checking his hair._    
  
 **US:**  So, guys, we hear that you’ve thinking about starting up a new product range, going from make-up and sanity towels for girls, to shampoo and hair-spray for boys.   
  
 _It’s too much for Danny. He burst into tears and sprints out the room._  
  
  
DAY 17.   
  
Went to hairdressers to get some extensions put in my hair. I figure that at least if I can get it back to it’s original length, people might not notice that it’s blond. After some confusion over the length of the extensions (at one point, I ended up looking like Axel Rose) it eventually got sorted.   
  
  
DAY 18.  
  
Got chased home from the corner shop, while nipping out to get a pint of milk, by a bunch of teenies (which normally happens) all screaming “JAMES!” (which never happens).  
  
Stopped running and asked them why were they calling me James. It turns out they thought I was James Bourne. Corrected their mistake, and then had to start running again once they realised who I really was.   


  
DAY 19.   
  
Bumped into James on the staircase in our house. He looked at me in absolute horror and promptly fainted, screaming (as he fell down the stairs) “I’VE BEEN CLONED!!!!”  
  
Decided not to correct him.   
  
  
DAY 20.  
  
Number of times I've scared James today by jumping out yelling “CLLOONNEE!!” : 39

 

  
DAY 21.  
  
Harry sent James back to Matt. Was sad to see him go – I’m going to miss scaring him.   
  
On the plus side, I can now get these bloody extensions removed. Really and truly, they’re not worth the hassle.   
  
Plus, Tom and Dougie keep making “jokes” about entering me in a Paris Hilton look-a-like competition, and I don’t trust the secret smirks they keep giving each other when they do.   
  
Also have sneaking suspicion that Harry hasn’t noticed my hair change yet. He’s too self-involved really, always walking around the house, muttering “I’m straight, you know?”  
  
Sure he is, and I’m the Fairy Queen of the U.S.A.   
  
  
DAY 22.   
  
Fletch has been dropping hints that we’re going to be appearing in an underwear advert soon. Tom suggested (in private, obviously) that I bleach my pubes so that no one thinks I’m a natural brunette. When I tried to ask him what exactly was the point of that, he said that  _he’d_  been doing it for years, and no one suspected that he was actually a natural red-head.   
  
Stared at his eyebrows in absolute confusion.   
  
Anyway, when he told me this, at the time, we were in my room and he was… helping me with… the bleaching… and of course, I said something stupid. He responded by yanking on my hair (and I DON’T mean on my head!)   
  
Harry suddenly started hammering on the door.   
  
“Danny?! You alright in there?!”   
  
“NO! Don’t come in!!” I shrieked, grabbing a pillow to cover myself up.   
  
“You sure?” he asked.  
  
“YES! Go away!!”   
  
I really wouldn’t have liked to have seen his face if he’d walked in on Tom bleaching my pubes for me, as he’d probably take it the wrong way and tell everyone he saw Tom give me---  
  
YAAHHRRGGG!!! GROSS GROSS GROSS!!!!!!  
  
Plus, the pillow has now got a very dodgy bleached shape on it where I tried to cover myself up.   
  
  
DAY 23.   
  
Got hair extensions taken out, FINALLY.   
  
Dougie took one look at me when I got back from the hairdressers and went “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up? Please stand up?”   
  
Wanted to punch him, but he’s actually quite a speedy little bugger.   
  
In other news, James Bourne has started stalking Harry.   
  
  
DAY 24.   
  
My nose doesn’t look so big any more! Maybe it’s the haircut?   
  
Have decided to keep shaven, bald style, as it obviously compliments my face. Very rarely can people pull it off, but I guess I’m just one of those who is naturally blessed.   
  
James Bourne has been locked up after Fletch found him squatting in the bushes in the back garden.   
  
  
DAY 25.   
  
Was out shopping, when I passed a bunch of chavs who normally yell abuse at me for being in that “stoopid gay band, Busted”. (I’ve never stayed around to correct them.)  
  
Was walking past, trying to keep my head down low, when one of them called to me.  
  
“Oi! Ma Brovver!! You iz SAFE!! Innit!!”   
  
Slowly turned around to face the group, who were all beckoning to me to come and join them. Very VERY slowly, I did.   
  
“So, wot’s your label, ma homie?”  
  
“Er, Danny,” I replied.   
  
“You iz Dan da Man!!!” They yelled, and then started chanting “Dan da Man wit da masta plan” (along with various versions including “INNIT!”)   
  
One of them playfully hit me on the side of my arm. “So where’s you normally ‘angin’ at, ma bro? I ain’t see ya ‘round deez parts before.”   
  
I shrugged, feeling absolutely shit-scared. Any second now, one of them was surely going to recognise me…  
  
“Ooo, safe, innit!” one of them said, “Well, we iz all, like, buzzin’ down to ma ‘ouse laters – You wanna come?”   
  
“I can’t!” I said, “I’m busy… innit!”   
  
They all actually looked quite sad at this. “Ooo, wellz, we iz all goin’ to da shoppin centre now, so if you wanna come, you can.”  
  
Why were they so desperate to get me to go with them?! Maybe they were trying to get me into a secluded part and mug me for my bank account (which, at the moment, due to all the haircut appointment’s I’ve been having lately, would currently be able to afford one small portion of chips).   
  
“I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I said, “You guys have been super nice to me though!”   
  
“Aww shame man!” said the one who looked like the leader of the group, “Well, if youz if free laters, like, we iz all free!!”   
  
I left. It was only later that I realised why they were being so nice –  
  
They thought I was a chav!!!!!!

 

A CHAV!!!!!!!   


  
DAY 26.   
  
Tom gave me a very odd look when I came downstairs this morning, re-wearing the brown wig, but didn’t say anything.   
  
He went out shopping, and I didn’t see him all day, until night time, when I noticed on my bed there was a small “Boots” bag. I opened it and there was a note inside in his handwriting.  
  
“This isn’t for your head – Tom.”  
  
It was a packet of brown hair-dye.   
  
  
DAY 27.   
  
Was mooching around online when who should start talking to me on MSN, than none other than DannyJ, also known as THE Danny Jones from McFly!!!   
  
DannyJ : Ey-up Kate!!!  
>  
Rat_Leg : Hi Danny!!!!  
>  
DannyJ : What you been up 2?  
>  
Rat_Leg : Not much. How’s life in McFly?  
>  
DannyJ : It’s fantastic! We’re in America at the moment!  
>  
Rat_Leg : WHAT?!!  


  
I looked around the room… Nope, still England.   


  
Rat_Leg : Err, I meant, why are you there?!   
>  
DannyJ : We’re on holiday. You know, really and truly, I’m thinking of quitting the band. I just cannot take Tom anymore, he’s driving me insane.   
>  
Rat_Leg : Yeah, well, he could probably say the same thing about you.   


  
I know that if  _I_  was Tom, and I had to deal with a teenie pretending to me, I’d be feeling less-than-fuzzy feelings towards her too!  
  
DannyJ : What is that supposed to mean? >:-(  
>  
Rat_Leg : Well, all your bitching and whining about yourself… It’d be enough to drive ANYONE up the wall.   


  
And I’d like to point out here that I DO NOT use those God-awful little smiley things… whoever invented them deserves to be strung up by their testicles on a metal pole, with a sign above their head that says “BAD IDEAS LEAD TO BAD CONSIQUENCES.”   


  
DannyJ : Call yourself a fan? Harry’s here too, and hesays that your a horrible person, and we never want to see ur face at any of our concerts.   
>  
DannyJ : Ever.  
>  
Rat_Leg : Good thing you don’t know what I look like then!  


  
My my, someone’s touchy today!   


  
DannyJ : You know what we mean. We don’t want you at any of our concerts.   
>  
Rat_Leg : Here’s an idea then, before you block me – We both go on webcam, so that you can see what I look like, and I get to see the two who I’ve offended so much.   
>  
DannyJ : Fine!!   


  
While I was waiting for the webcam to open, I quickly grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a message to hold up.   
  
The webcams opened… revealing a girl who looked to be about 14 years old, who was glaring at me, and then did a double take at the screen, where I was waving and smiling at her, holding up my sign that said “Hi ‘Danny’!!!”…  
  
… and then she passed out and fell off her chair.   
  
HAHAHHAHAHHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
DAY 28.   
  
The teenie has sent me about fifty emails, begging me to forgive her. Is it just me, or are teenies really stupid creatures?  
  
Overheard Dougie on the phone last night, talking in a hushed voice to someone. It was really odd, he was talking about how to file down window bars and the times for when someone went on their lunch break… Odd. Very Odd.   
  
  
DAY 29.   
  
James has escaped from prison!!!! The maniac is on the loose!!   
  
Thankfully, he’s only after Harry, so I’m safe.   
  
Kinda creepy though – apparently the bars on his window were filed down, and he got out when the guard was on his lunch break… For the life of me, I can’t remember why that all seems so familiar.   
  
In other news, walked down the street wearing my wig, when I passed the Chav group who had only recently tried to get me to join them.   
  
“Oi!!” One of them yelled, “You’s iz in that gay band, Busted!!!”   
  
Oh happy days! Life is back to normal!!! I no longer look like a chav!!   
  
Dougie was on the phone last night again, talking to someone about how the bathroom window is always open… maybe it’s a metaphor for something?   
  
Tom’s upset – his guitar (which he named BETSY, for crying out loud) keeps making this odd noise.   
  
  
DAY 30.   
  
Diary’s off for auction tomorrow. Harry wants to keep his, the big blouse!!   
  
Tom is mourning for Betsy – someone snapped  ~~her~~  ITS fret board in half.   
  
Also, James tried to rape Harry while he was in the bath last night. He got in through the bathroom window, which is really odd, as our window is always open, due to this damp problem we’ve got, but it’s facing the back of the house, so how could he have known about it?   
  
Anyway, I heard this girl screaming, so I ran upstairs into the bathroom …  
  
… Well, despite what Harry said, when I got there, it looked more like TOM was trying to rape him than James, who was sitting in the corner with a towel over his head. Just as I was about to ask what the hell was going on, Tom kicked me in the kneecap, which caused me to fall on top of him in the bath. I heard that girl screaming again, and I realised it was coming from underneath Tom, which was odd, because only Harry was there.   
  
Anyway, James somehow managed to escape when we were all in the bath. Could have SWORN I saw Dougie helping him out the door, but Dougie said that he was trying to stop him, but seriously, I don’t think he’s telling the truth. In fact, I think that Dougie is help-   
  
Ohh look, a bee!!!   
  
Spotted Dougie and Harry snogging on the staircase this morning, but Harry’s in complete denial about it all.   
  
This place is really starting to turn into a funhouse! 


	3. The Very Secret Diary of Tom Fletcher

 

DAY 1.  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
My manager, Fletch, told us that we, my band, McFly, are going to start keeping diaries that will be auctioned off at the end of the month for Comic Relief. Personally, I think it will be a FABULOUS idea. People will finally get to know the real McFly and what we’re REALLY like.   
  
 _Dougie here. Tom is a little gay, oh yes he is!! LOL._  
  
Pathetic pleb! Honestly, I despair sometimes, really I do. You can’t leave anything lying around here for two seconds. Besides, just because I happen to have fantastic dress-sense and a sensitive side that I’m not afraid to show, it doesn’t mean I’m gay!   
  
Now, where’s my copy of Attitude?   
  
  
DAY 2.   
  
Dear Diary,   
  
Really, it’s a shame about these books in a way – I already have a diary that I try to write in at least every single day. It might get slightly confusing, what with being careful about what to select to put in each one. I will just have to be rather careful with what I write here; As Harry so eloquently calls them, the “grotty teenie-boppers” will be reading this in a month and I really would not want them to find out some of my more… personal secrets.  
  
Did you know that I write poetry too? Oh yes, my normal diary is  _filled_  with random little ditties that I write whenever the mood takes me. Take a look at this one I finished a couple of days ago –  
  


Perhaps one day, you’ll look at me,   
Perhaps one day, you’ll see.   
Perhaps one day, you’ll understand,  
I want to hold more than your hand.

  
  
I’m very proud of it – It took me three whole days to perfect. You might laugh now, but these poems are the windows to my soul, and often the basis for a lot of  ~~my~~  the bands songs. I bet you’ll recognise what this one turned into –  
  


I like your skin, it looks like milk,  
When it’s been left out the fridge all day.  
The red lines contrast with it all,  
I enjoy to hear the nonsense you say.

  
  
It’s pretty obvious what that one became!!   
  
 _Err, no. It sounds like self-harm… A darker version of Ultraviolet, maybe? ‘These emo girls are really something else…’ - Doug_.  
  
What?!? No! It was “5 Colours In Her Hair”!! The red lines were her tattoo, which was always hidden by her underwear!   
  
And stop reading this, Dougie!!!  
  
 _No. This is fun!! Trollo-lol-lol-lol-lol! – Doug._  
  
  
DAY 3.   
  
Dear Diary,   
  
Harry broke Dougie’s nose.  
  
They really do have a love/hate relationship.   
  
I was talking to Danny backstage, when he suddenly started to rub my arm for some inexplicable reason. I asked him if he liked guys and he said they were OK. I then asked if he liked ME and he said, (rather worryingly) "yes".   
  
While I’m happy for him that he can be so open about his sexuality in that way, it becomes rather disturbing when he freely admits to fancying you.   
  
  
DAY 4.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Dougie looks hilarious. His nose has swollen and discoloured, becoming oddly reminiscent of a bruised apple that fell from the tree mid-autumn and was left half obscured in the grass until bonfire night, when some unsuspecting toddler stepped on it while playing with their sparklers.   
  
 _You know, sometimes, you really are almost too gay to function. – Doug._  
  
James Bourne has come over to stay with us for a couple of days. I like James, he was good to me in the early days of McFly. He helped us get our feet on the ground, so it’s the least we can do to help him out in his time of need. I see him not only a friend, but also as the older brother I never had.  
  
 _I also see you as the older brother I never had… You’re a pain in the arse, and I don’t like you one bit. – Doug._  
  
  
DAY 5.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Harry took Danny out shopping for a birthday present. Harry came back with this hideous purple number and Danny came back with his hands over his nose. I wonder if Harry had broken Danny’s nose too? It wouldn’t surprise me with how touchy he’s been lately.   
  
While they were out, I went on my MSN name, Outtatime, to see if any of my online friends were around. Sure enough, one of them was.  
  
Outtatime : Hello!  
>  
LizRd : YO!!!!!!!11!!!  
>  
Outtatime : How are you?  
>  
LizRd : OMG DID U SEEEE?!?!?!!!111  
>  
Outtatime : See what?!  
>  
LizRd : DA NEW FIK!!!!!!!11!!!!!! TOM ND DANNY WER SNOGGING!!!!!!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Cool!!!!   
  
Liz is a friend from the McFly Slash boards, by the way. She’s 14… and also thinks that I’m a 13 year-old girl called Kath. I know it sounds a little strange but I like being able to interact with our beloved fans and really get to know them, even acting as something of a mentor to them in the struggles of their daily lives. Unfortunately, I am forced to operate under a disguise because if they found out who I really was, everything would change for the worst. 

 

But anyway! Back to Liz. While she is nice enough, her excessive punctuation and permanent caps lock screaming becomes a bit of a head-ache to read at times.   
  
LizRd : OOOO, GUSS WOT??!!!!!11!!  
>  
Outtatime : What?!  
>  
LizRd : I GOT TIKS TO SEE MCFLYYY111!!!!!!!! IM GONNA C YHEM LIVE!!!!!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Awsome!!! That’s so cool!  
>  
LizRd : U GONNG 2 C THEM?   
>  
Outtatime : No. :’( Couldn’t get tickets.   
>  
LizRd : AHHH, SHAME!!!!!11! I WOZ LOOKIN 4WARD 2 MEETING YA!!!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Yeah, shame. Maybe some other time though?   
>  
LizRd : YEH!!!!!!!11 DAT WOOD BE SOOOOO COOL!!!!1!!! I WANNA MEAT U!!!!!   
  
I sincerely hope that was a typo.   
  
Outtatime : Me too! Anyway I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you around! X  
>  
LizRd : WAAAHH”!!!!!1! DONT LEAV ME!!!!!11!  
>  
Outtatime : Sorry, I have to! My parents are home and want to use the computer!  
>  
LizRd : GAAAY!!!!!!1!! AHH WLL, BYYE BI!!!!!11 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  


  
DAY 6.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I get the nasty feeling that James Bourne is trying to actually move in with us. This might be due to the fact that he’s recently kicked me out my bedroom, his toothbrush has appeared by the sink, and a bowl has appeared in the kitchen cupboard with “JAMES” written on it.   
  
Strangely, all this happened around the same time that my bowl with “Tom” written on it and my toothbrush went missing. I bought this up during the break of  _Top of the Pops_ before we were about to perform. Harry reckons that we’ve been burgled. I asked him who would want to steal my toothbrush that is chewed up and covered in my saliva. In response, he flicked the finger to the audience of teenies, who all instantly started to cheer and scream “WE LOVE YOU!”  
  
Note to self : Stop giving Harry a microphone in performances. He cannot sing, and he really shouldn’t be allowed to talk at the best of times. He accused Danny of trying on that hideous purple dress that he’d gotten his sister, which was really odd, as I could have sworn I heard Dougie telling Danny that he’d seen –  
  
Ohh, got to go, my bath’s ready!  
  
  
DAY 7.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Liz started talking in Greek on MSN to me, which made me realise just how appalling it was that I could only speak English. Out of every country in this world, I can only speak English!! (I'm fluent in Klingon, and can speak a little bit of Gallifreyan and Kashyyykan but that's not in  _this_  world.)   
  
Firstly, I went to Dougie, telling him to get off his laptop and to learn a language. He said something to me in Greek, before slamming his bedroom door in my face. Must be a popular language.   
  
As I couldn’t find Danny or Harry, I decided to do some learning on my own. French is pretty simple to learn, so I started reading up. When Danny came home, because I know he doesn’t speak it, as a joke I told him in French that I wanted to perform felatio on him, to which he replied something very odd about how he couldn’t wait to eat a whore. 

 

I think I may have inadvertently given him the wrong impression.   
  
  
DAY 8.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I wrote another poem!   
  
Your eyes are blue,   
They see my soul.   
I love you, yes, I do,  
You smell of coal.  
  
 _… Who the hell was that written about?!! You’ve just described Danny rather accurately, right down to the dodgy smell. – Doug._  
  
  
DAY 9.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I was interrupted THREE times, no less, by Harry, Danny and Dougie when I was in the bath during my private time. What have I said to them about knocking?!?!   
  
  
DAY 10.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Harry’s in a foul mood again. He stormed into the kitchen today, screaming like a banshee from a terrifying hell dimension. The best thing to do when he’s in this sort of mood is to remain calm, unnerved and not try to do anything to provoke him even more… particularly when he’s accusing me of being gay.  
  
ME! Of all the people in the world, I am the LEAST likely to be gay!! Just because I’ve got a sensitive side and I’m not afraid to show it, it doesn’t make me gay!  
  
 _No, it DOES make you a compulsive liar though. – Doug._

  
DAY 11.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Conversation between Dougie today went like so –  
  
Me: Dougie, why do you keep reading my diary?  
Dougie: Which one?   
Me: *spluttering* You’ve read both?!  
Dougie: You need to hide these things better.   
Me: I do!  
Dougie: Under your bed… niiicccee…  
Me: *spluttering* You… should… you should respect other’s people’s privacy more!   
Dougie: I do. It’s just very interesting to read what they try to keep private. You know that Danny thinks you’re gay?  
Me: Look, it’s not – he WHAT?!  
Dougie: Yup, he thinks you and Harry had a romantic bath. Harry, on the other hand, thinks that you were in the bath with Danny.  
Me: That’s preposterous!!  
Dougie: Dude, don’t use long words.  
Me: Why?!  
Dougie: Because I wanted to write about this later in my diary, and I can’t even pronounce that word you just said, let alone spell it!  
Me: You’ve got a diary?  
Dougie: Duuuuh!!!! We’ve all got to keep them, remember?!  
Me: Well if I were you, I’d keep a close eye on your diary from now on.  
Dougie: What? *Rolling his eyes* You’re not going to try looking for it, are you?  
Me: Of course not!!  
  
  
DAY 12.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I’m in a very foul-tempered mood. I went looking for Dougie’s diary today and after series of... uh... mishaps, I decided to look under his bed, where I found a small notebook, covered in Blink 182 stickers.  
  
I eagerly flipped it open to find this message –  
  
 _Ha ha Tom, you really didn’t think I’d hide my diary under my bed, did you?! – Dougie._  
  
I hate that boy sometimes.   
  
In other news, we have an interview with a slash site coming up in a couple of days.   
  
  
DAY 13.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I was browsing some sites online for a new strap for Betsy, my favourite guitar, when Liz started talking to me.  
  
LizRd : ELLO!!!!!11!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Hello! How are you?  
>  
LizRd : SOOO PISSEED FOO!!!  
>  
LizRd : SOZ, OFF!! LOLZ!!!! XD  
>  
Outtatime : Haha, why are you annoyed?  
>  
LizRd : COZ MY GAY BRO KEEPS GOING THRU MY THYINGS!!!!!!! HEZ SOOOO GAY!!!!!!!1!1  
>  
Outtatime : Ah, that sucks!  
>  
LizRd : TELL ME ABOUT IT!!!!!! AND HE KEEPS WIRTING IN HIS OWN DIARY ABOUT BEING GAY!!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Really? You should be a bit more supportive of him if he really is gay.  


  
At this point, I realised I was thirsty.  
  
“DOUGIE!” I yelled.  
  
“What?!!” he yelled back from his room.  
  
“Get me a cup of tea!!!”  
  
“Bugger off!!”  
  
“Dougie!!”  
  
“Fine fine…”  


  
LizRd : BRB. MY GAY BRO IS ANNOYIN ME.  
>  
Outtatime : Ok!  


  
After a few minutes, Dougie suddenly kicked my door open, holding a cup of tea.   
  
“Ahh thanks mate!” I said, taking the cup from him.  
  
“Who you talking to?” he asked, looking at my screen curiously.   
  
“An online friend,” I said. “She’s called Elizabeth Road.”  
  
Dougie looked at the screen, and then smirked. “Ahh, clever!”  
  
And then he left. He’s a very weird one.  


  
LizRd : BACK!!!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Yay!  
>  
LizRd : MY USELESS BRO WANTED ME TO GET HIM A DRINK… HES SOOO GAIII!!!!11!  
>  
Outtatime : Did you get him the drink?  
>  
LizRd : YEH, BUT I SPAT IN IT!!!! LOOLLLZZZ!!!!11!!  


  
I took a large sip out of my tea. Really, what a vindictive child!   
  
  
DAY 14.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I went out shopping for some more leave-in conditioner, when an sweet old lady asked me for the time. As I was telling her it, a young woman who looked to be about mid-30s came running up to me.   
  
“Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind, but can I have your autograph please?” she asked me excitedly.   
  
“Sure!” I said, smiling charmingly as she fumbled around for a pen and paper. I'm used to being recognised and I always try to be nice to fans, especially the older ones. Just as I was starting to write my name on her notebook, her friend behind her yelled at her to hurry up.  
  
“Just a sec, I’m getting Gary Barlow’s autograph!!” she said.  
  
I froze, then scribbled out "Tom" and wrote “Gary Barlow”.  
  
“You know, you’re a lot younger looking in real life!! I almost didn’t recognise you, but then my friend pointed out the gay fat guy who was looking at the hair products, and I was like ‘Oh my god! I have to get an autograph!!’” she said as I was writing. “What’s your secret?”  
  
I smiled. “Magic,” I said, handing back the autograph.   
  
Then I walked away as quickly as possible, trying not to feel too insulted.  
  
  
DAY 15.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Interview with slash site was awful.  
  
Danny broke down in tears at one point, and when the interviewers were out the room, revealed to me that he’s shaved and bleached his hair peroxide blond. I tried to patiently explain that he couldn’t be blond, as _I’m_ the blond one in the group and it just wouldn’t work with two blond guitarists. He didn’t hear me though as he was too busy sobbing into his wig.   
  
Then, when the interviews came back, they said something and he ran out the room for no good reason, leaving me and Dougie alone with two slashers. Not good.

 

  
DAY 16.

 

Dear Diary,

The Slash Site put up the interview. It’s even worse than I remembered. I’ve printed off the worst bit and stuck it in here.

 

_And now Danny’s just gone sprinting out the room, sobbing his little heart out. This leaves us alone with Tom and Dougie, both of which seem a little uncertain of what to do. They look at each other and then to us._

**TOM:** Errr…

**DOUGIE:** Errr…

**US:** Well, shall we continue with the interview?

**TOM:** Good plan!!

**DOUGIE:** Is there really any point to this?? I mean, there’s only two of us! And I think that we should really go after the other two to make sure they’re OK.

**US:** Ahh, so you’re planning to go an offer some comfort?

**DOUGIE:**  Yes!

**TOM:** NO!! Not in THAT way!!

**US:** What way?

**TOM:** In THAT way!!

**US:** We don’t know what way you mean, dear Tom.

**TOM:** You know! In the typical slasher’s way! “OOO Danny, what’s wrong?” “Oh Tom, I’m just so miserable!” “Would you like a hug?” “Oh Tom, HOOLLDD MEH!”

 

_There is a very, VERY long pause._

**US:** Tom, we were being rather serious when we suggested going to offer Danny and Harry some comfort. After all, they both did seem rather upset. It does raise the question though, why did your mind immediately jump to the conclusion that we were implying it in a homo-erotic way as opposed to a strictly platonic way?

**TOM:** …what??

**US:** And the fact that you almost instantly chose to reference Danny confirms what Harry implied earlier about you two.

**TOM:** No it doesn’t!

**US:** Wanna bet?

**TOM:** But – but – but –

**US:** _(Interrupting Tom’s babbling)_ It could be seen from a psychologist’s point of view that the fact that you did immediately assume we were implying some sort of sexual practice in the word “comfort” could be significant of some seriously heavy repression of feelings… Perhaps an unrequited love towards Danny, who you DO seem to have some fixation with?

**TOM:** \- I – I – I –

**US:** _(Interrupting Tom’s babbling again)_  And furthermore, the fact that it was YOU who took control of the situation a few minutes ago when Danny broke down in tears could also show that you enjoy being the dominating one in your relationships. However, you can tell from Danny’s handwriting that he’s a pretty dominant personality too, so any relationship that could happen between you two, hypothetically of course, would be a very turbulent romance, filled with arguments and possibly even physical violence.

_Tom stares at us for some time, his mouth open slightly in shock. Dougie is looking from us back to Tom, a look of amusement on his face._

**TOM:** That’s – how – what - ??

**DOUGIE:** You know, I think that’s the first time I’ve actually seen you speechless.

**TOM:** But – but  - but it’s not TRUE!!!

**DOUGIE:** I dunno actually… thinking about it, you have been spending a lot of time with Danny lately.

**TOM:** I have not!!

**DOUGIE:** Yes you have.

**TOM:** Have not!

**DOUGIE:** Have too!!

**TOM:** Have not!

**DOUGIE:** Have too!

 

_It’s a bit like watching Wimbledon. We think Tom and Dougie have forgotten we’re in the room._

**US:** Err Tom -?

**TOM:** _(Ignoring us)_ Have not!!

**DOUGIE:** Have too!!

**US:** OK, let’s try this then –

**TOM:** Have not!!

**DOUGIE:** HAVE TOO!!!

**US:** If you’ve slept with Danny at any point in the last week, say ‘Have not’.

**TOM:** HAVE NOT!!!!!

**US:** HA!

**TOM:** Wha -??

**US:** Well, that’s all we’ve got time for! Thank you so much to Tom and Dougie and the rest of McFly, wherever they’ve gone to, for agreeing to this!! Happy slashing!!

**TOM:** That’s it? That’s the interview over?

**US:** Yes!

**TOM:** Ohhhkaaayy… I’m going to go see if I can find Danny…

 

_He goes, leaving us alone with Dougie._

**DOUGIE:** Hey, so can you guys really read handwriting? What’s mine say about me?

**US:**  That you’re a very, very weird child indeed.

**DOUGIE:** … COOL!!

 

 

DAY 17

 

Dear Diary,

 

Danny kept sneaking looks of pure fear at me, before tugging on his wig nervously. He obviously thinks I’m going to tell someone about his hair.   
  
Of course, I’m not going to! Our friendship means far too much to me for me to betray him like that!! I see Danny as one of my closest friends – He knows every little thing about me and I know everything about him. I remember when we first formed McFly, how he had to keep coming down to stay with me for long periods of time because it was such a hassle to travel down from Bolton every single day, and then there was the night that the central heating in the house broke, so he had to share a bed with me and that night, we just stayed awake talking, curled up next to each other for warmth… We told each other our most intimate secrets that night. He even cried at few times so I held him close, just comforting him and savouring the warmth of his tears on my shoulder with his hot, damp breath –

 

Ohh, telephone’s ringing!!

_Tom’s to-do list –_

_1)_        _Read what you’ve just written._

_2)_        _Re-read it._

_3)_        _Now, are you STILL convinced you’re straight? – Doug_

 

 

DAY 18

 

Dear Diary,

 

I saw Dougie and Harry on the stairs in the house today. It was quite amusing – Harry was trying to walk away from Dougie when Dougie said very loudly “You were my first kiss,” to which Harry promptly fell down the stairs in shock. I ran to help him up at the bottom but he pushed me away with rather unnecessary violence, I feel, screaming “Go away!! I’m not gay!!”  

 

I crouched down beside him. “Harry, it doesn’t matter if you are gay,” I said in a sympathetic manner, patting him on the shoulder. “You should embrace your sexuality and not be afraid of who you are! You must revel in this outburst of human emotion!!”

 

“But … but I’m NOT,” he said in a very small voice.

 

“When you’re ready to announce it, we’ll all support you,” I said nicely, patting him on the head and ruffling his hair, then instantly regretting it – He uses FAR too much hair product.

 

 

DAY 19.

 

Dear Diary,

 

James Bourne fell down the stairs today. I’m slightly worried – That’s two people now.

 

Danny’s had hair extensions put in. They’re blond, though not the same white-peroxide blond that he’s accidentally dyed the stubble on his head, but more of a gentle honey-suckle blond that gives the impression he is a gentle and carefree soul who drifts around in life, like a piece of fluff floating on the warm breeze from place to place, never knowing where it’ll land.

 

Unfortunately, he’s also now a dead-ringer for James Bourne. There was a rather uncomfortable moment last night when, as I was lying in bed and pondering about life, I heard my door open and someone came in. I assumed it was Danny, as he often likes to come into my bed at night for little chats and company. I was completely taken by surprise when he started to kiss me though, but just as things were starting to get a bit… err… well, you know… I moaned “Oh Danny,” to which he flipped on the light, jumped out bed and said very angrily “I’m JAMES.”

 

I do hope this little mishap doesn’t signify the end of our friendship.

 

_What friendship are you talking about??? James or Danny's?? Either way, something’s not right with how you willing started to shag him when you thought it was **DANNY.**  – Doug._

 

 

DAY 20

 

Dear Diary,

 

Dougie and Harry had another lovers tiff in the recording studio. It’s quite sweet really – they put up this whole show to put us off the scent, when we all already know for a fact that they truly love each other.

 

_I really hate you at times. – Doug._  

  
  
DAY 21  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
I was speaking to my online friend, Elizabeth Road on MSN again.   
  
LizRd : ELLO!!!!!11!!! LONG TIME NO C LOLZ!!!!!!!!11!  
>  
Outtatime : Hello.  
>  
LizRd : WASSUP???/ U SEEM BLUE. : (   
>  
Outtatime : I may have made a small mistake in the matters of my platonic relationship with someone of the same sex by having intercourse with them.  
>  
LizRd : …. ND DAT MEANS?????/  
>  
Outtatime : Basically I had sex with another guy thinking he was someone else.  
>  
LizRd : LMFAO!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!1!!!! XD  
>  
Outtatime : You’re not very sympathetic.   
>  
LizRd : NO IM NOT. I DONT DO SYMPATJHY LOLZ!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Oh great.   
>  
LizRd : HW DID U MISTAK A GUY 4 A GIRL?????//? WOZ HE REALLY FAT?? MAN-BOOBS!!!!1!!  
>  
Outtatime : No, he just looked a lot like another guy I know.   
>  
LizRd : WAIT A MIN…. U SAID U WERE A GIRL.  
>  
Outtatime : I am.  
>  
LizRd : then how cum u said u had sex with some1 of the SAME sex????  
>  
  
I froze, staring at the computer screen in horror.  
  
LizRd : ELLO????  
>  
LizRd : STILL THERE?????  
>  
Outtatime : Yes, I am! I was just re-reading what I’d put – It was a typo. Sorry!  
>  
LizRd : AHHH, I C!!! LOLZ!!!1!!  
>  
Outtatime : So anyway, how have you been?  
>  
LizRd : NT BAD – DERES DIS GUY I REEEAALLLLLYYY LYK, BT HE DSNT LYK ME!!! :’(   
>  
Outtatime : What’s he called?  
>  
LizRd : HARRY.   
>  
Outtatime : Well, how do you know that he doesn’t like you?  
>  
LizRd : COZ EVERYTIME WE KISS, HE RUNS OFF SCREAMING “i’m straight u no!!!!”   
>  
LizRd : HW WOULD U GET A GUY 2 LYK U?  
>  
Outtatime : Me?? I don’t know… I’ve never really had to do that before…  
>  
LizRd : U MEAN THEY LYK U ANYWAY??? NO FAIRZ!!! LOLZ!!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Haha, not quite. I’ve just never really tried to.   
>  
Outtatime : I suppose if you really were trying to impress him, you could try being spontaneous?   
>  
LizRd : ????  
>  
LizRd : WOT’S DAT??  
>  
Outtatime : You know, spontaneous – impulsive, spur-of-the-moment. That sort of thing.   
>  
LizRd : LYKKEE….???  
>  
Outtatime : I don’t know!! Maybe something like proving to him that you really like him by kissing him in a very public place?   
>  
LizRd : LMFAO!! IM SSOOOO TRYING DAT!!11! THANX!!!!!!11!!  
>  
  
In other news, Harry sent James Bourne back to Matt. I was slightly relieved to see him go – He kept glaring at me and people were starting to ask why.  
  
  
DAY 22  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
As a testament to true friendship (and also to prove to Dougie that I am NOT in love with Danny) I helped Danny bleach his pubic hair to match his new hair extensions. We decided to attempt the bleaching late at night to virtually extinguish the chance of someone walking in and disrupting us, although stupidly forgot to find any old towels to use so that the carpet didn’t get stained. In an act of extreme generosity, I took off my t-shirt and told Danny to stand on it. He was a little bit confused as to why he needed to bleach his pubes at all.  
  
“So that people don’t realise what colour you are naturally!” I replied, applying the dye carefully as I knelt in front of him. He was standing up with his legs slightly apart so as to ensure full coverage. “I mean, I’ve been dying mine for years now and no one’s figured out that I’m a natural red-head!”   
  
Danny started sniggering. “Ginger-knob!!” he said.   
  
In revenge, I ‘accidentally’ yanked on his hair. This turned out to be a mistake though as Danny let out that little moan he does whenever he’s in pain, and suddenly, someone started banging on the door.   
  
“Danny?! You alright in there?!”   
  
It was Harry.  
  
“NO! Don’t come in!!” Danny shrieked, grabbing a pillow for modesty.  
  
“You sure?” he asked.  
  
“YES! Go away!!”   
  
We thought he’d gone, when I accidentally got my finger caught in a tangle and Danny ended up doing that moan again. The next thing I know, Harry’s thrown open the door.  
  
God knows what it must have looked like – Danny, with his trousers round his ankles, and me, shirtless and kneeling in front of him.   
  
Harry quickly slammed the door shut, looking rather horrified in the process. I don’t think Danny saw him though, although he did ask where the sudden breeze around his arse came from.  
  
  
DAY 23  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
James Bourne has started stalking Harry. He also keeps going bright red whenever he looks at me and Danny. Poor Harry. He’s so repressed, it’s not even funny at times.   
  
However, there was one rather cute moment today when James suddenly started pressing his face to the window and Harry started hugging Dougie for dear life. (Harry hugging Dougie being the cute moment, not James pressing his face against the window, which was not cute at all. It also left horrific grease marks smeared everywhere which were a nightmare to shift.)  
  
I wrote another poem –  
  
Betsy, you play the strings of my heart,  
I hate it when we are apart.   
I long to feel your plastic shell,  
With long black wires over which I fell.  
  
 _... the HELL is Betsy?? - Doug._  


  
DAY 24  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Danny’s gone back to the shaven-head-chav look. I wish he hadn’t - That style of haircut makes his nose look enormous.   
  
James Bourne was found hiding in the bushes in the garden today, so Fletch called the police and they arrested him. (James, not Fletch.) I was very upset by this – James completely trampled and destroyed all the pansies that I planted.   
  
Dougie also cornered me on the staircase with a very untrustworthy smirk on his face.  
  
“Whatever happens next is your fault,” he said in a low voice. “Just remember that.”   
  
  
DAY 25  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
Dougie and Harry kissed on live TV!!!!   
  
I really don’t know what possessed Dougie to do it!! One second we were being interviewed normally and then the next, Harry turned around to look at Dougie as he said something and Dougie just swooped down and kissed him!!   
  
It looked pretty intense too. Dougie’s hands were in Harry’s hair (he obviously doesn’t mind the excess hair products), eyes were shut, lips, tongues, the works!   
  
Why Dougie gave me such a creepy smirk before he did it though is something I'm still unsure about.   
  
In the car on the way home, Dougie was sitting next to Harry with a satisfied grin on his face, while Harry was sitting so stiffly you might have thought he’d accidentally sat on a microphone stand. There was an uncomfortable silence in the car when -   
  
“I’m straight, you know.”  
  
“I’ve NEVER seen a straight guy kiss another guy like that before,” Danny shot at him, which caused Harry to go bright red and not look at Dougie for the rest of the day.

 

  
  
DAY 26  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Danny has gone back to wearing his brown wig again. While I was out shopping for Liza Minelli’s latest CD, I remembered that Danny didn’t need his pubic hair to be blond anymore, so I popped into Boots to get him some hair-dye. To avoid embarrassing him any further, I left it on his bed with a small note attached so that he wouldn’t get confused, telling him it wasn’t for his head. However, when talking to Dougie about it (I’ve completely given up trying to keep anything secret from the boy anymore and just TELL him what I’ve written now), he was the one who ended up confused.  
  
“Which head?” he asked.  
  
“He’s only got one!” I replied.  
  
“No he hasn’t,” Dougie said with a smirk. “He’s got his BIG head and his LITTLE head, if you get what I mean.”   
  
I suddenly understood that he was being his usual crude self.  
  
“It’s the one he thinks with,” I said coldly.  
  
“So it’s the little one then.”   
  
  
DAY 27  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Dougie – is –   
  
Ahhh, I can’t even express my frustration and anger with him!!   
  
Here’s my conversation with Elizabeth Road today –  
  
LizRd : OMFGg!g!!!!!1!!! DID U C/????/ DOUGZ AND HAZ KISSED/!!?!!  
>  
Outtatime : I saw! Harry seemed to be rather taken aback by the whole thing, to be honest.  
>  
LizRd : I NO!!!1! I WOZ PISSING MYSELF LAFFING!!!!!!11!!  
>  
Outtatime : Oh, by the way, how did things go with your friend Harry? The one who you like?  
>  
LizRd : REALLY WELL THANX!!!1! I SNOGGED HIS FACE OFF AND NOW I THINK HES REALLY STARTIN 2 LIKE ME!!1!!1 FUNNY THING IS THOU –  
>  
LizRd : HE THINKS HIZ LIFE IS OVER NOW COZ HES STILL TRYING 2 CONVINCE EVERYONE HE’S NOT GAY!!!  
>  
  
I blinked and looked at the screen. That sounded oddly familiar…  
  
>  
Outtatime : Haha, he sounds like a bit of a weirdo. That’s fantastic that you kissed him though!  
>  
LizRd : ITS ALL THANKS 2 U!! U GAVE ME THE IDEA LOL!!!!!1! ITS ALL UR FAULT!! LOLZZZ!!!!  
>  
Outtatime : Ha – Wait a minute, what?  
>  
LizRd : WELL TOM I DID WARN YOU.  
  
I stared at the computer screen, feeling numbing horror rising inside of me. I’d never told her my name was Tom… and what she was saying sounded so much like what Dougie had said to me a few days earlier –  
  
“Whatever happens next is your fault.”   
  
Suddenly, it clicked inside my mind –  
  
LizRd? Not Liz Road, but actually Liz-R-d.   
  
LIZARD.  
  
“ **DOUGIE!!! YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!** ”  
  
I burst out my room and into his, only to be greeted to an empty room with the window open, the curtains moving gently in the breeze. His laptop was on the bed, a new message typed in his half of the conversation box –  
  
“HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!!”  
  
Damn him!!!!   
  
  
DAY 28.  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
After pulling one of his amazing disappearing acts and keeping well out my way yesterday, Dougie walked into the kitchen this morning, calm and casual as you like, sat down opposite me at the kitchen table and grinned.  
  
“You’re not still pissed at me, are you?” he asked.  
  
“Of course I am! What you did was cruel, insensitive and highly immature, Dougie!!”   
  
He rolled his eyes. “Get over yourself!! It was a joke! Anyway, why were  **you**  sulking around in chatrooms, pretending to be a 14-year old girl, eh KATH?”  
  
I felt myself blushing. “I – I –”  
  
“Look, here’s a truce – You forgive me and I won’t tell anyone about the fact that you’re doing something that would probably get you arrested or at least shoved on the police lists of ‘People we THINK are paedophiles, but haven’t been able to nab just yet.’ Annnd I won’t tell Danny and Harry about how you’re a frequent poster on the slash sites either. Deal?”  
  
“Fine, deal,” I muttered darkly. “Now go away!!”   
  
“One more thing – James Bourne’s coming to visit again.”  
  
I felt my heart sink. “Again?? Wait… I thought he was in prison?”   
  
Dougie replied with another grin. “He is,” he said.   
  
“Is he getting released or something?” I asked.  
  
“You could say that…”   
  
Then he left the kitchen. He’s a very weird child.  
  
  
DAY 29.   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Betsy’s making a very odd noise whenever I play her. I’m so upset!!!  
  
 _… the HELL is Betsy?? – Doug_  
  
James Bourne broke out of prison!! I would be worried, but he’s only after Harry, so I’m safe. He’s very popular lately, what with Dougie AND James lusting after him.   
  
Why isn’t anyone lusting after ME?  
  
  
DAY 30.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Last night was eventful. While waiting for Harry to finish his bath so that I could use the bathroom, I suddenly heard him screaming. I burst open the door to find James Bourne standing over him. In a display of quick thinking, I grabbed a towel to throw over Harry to cover him up and prepared to throw myself on James… but ended up mixing them up, throwing a towel over James and jumping on Harry instead.   
  
Things then got worse when Danny (who had run in with Dougie) tripped over my flailing leg and fell on top of me in the bath. Once Harry had managed to calm down, I tried to apologise but was unable to speak, having been kneed in the goolies by him when I fell in the bath. In the ensuring scuffle, James somehow managed to escape. I asked Dougie why he couldn’t have stopped him, to which he just shrugged. He’s a very weird child.   
  
However, in more traumatic news, someone snapped Betsy’s fretboard in half!!!! My treasured guitar!!! GONE, just like that!!! After discovering her destroyed remains, I ran out onto the landing, practically prostrate with grief. Spotted Harry and Dougie kissing on the staircase, but, as usual, Harry’s in complete denial about it all.  
  
I ran back into my room, crying now not only for Betsy’s death, but also for my own misery. Why does HARRY, who spends his whole time in complete denial about his sexuality and feelings, get to find someone and I’m left alone?? WHY am I so repulsive to people?! Why can I just not seem to find that ONE single person who I feel like I can share everything with, who knows me just as well as I do, who is like not only just a partner, but like my best friend too, like me and Danny??   
  
Hearing that I was sobbing hysterically, Danny came into my room to make sure I was OK. We had a nice long chat about everything which ended with him holding me as I cried. It was oddly comforting, and Danny always knows the right things to do when I’m upset, like stroking my back, running his fingers through my hair and kissing my forehead.   
  
When I was talking to Dougie about this later, he told me I so blatantly am in love with Danny.   
  
I have the nasty feeling that for once, he might be correct.  



	4. The Very Secret Diary of Dougie Poynter

DAY 1  
  
 **BOOBS**  
  
  
DAY 2  
  
 **MORE BOOBS**  
  
  
DAY 3  
  
 **I LIKE BOOBS.**  
  
I don’t like Harry though. Harry chucked his diary at me and broke my nose. Git.  
  
  
DAY 4  
  
Broken nose – not hot. Whenever I sneeze, out comes this hideous mixture of mucus and blood. Harry keeps telling me, with annoying shadenfreude, that I’m the ugliest one in the band now.   
  
What Harry doesn’t know is that I’ve been collecting the blood-mucus mixture in his jar of marmite.   
  
James B came over. He’s fancied Harry since, like, FOREVER. He was all depressed over Busted splitting up and being dumped and Charlie stealing his favourite teddybear. Pondering on how to cheer him up.   
  
  
DAY 5  
  
Harry and Danny went out shopping. James B moped around the house. Tom tried talking to me on MSN.   
  
Here’s the weird thing – when I first met Tom, I gave him my MSN. He never used it until a few weeks ago, and I have the sneaking suspicion that he’s actually forgotten who I am. This was aided by the fact that he sent me a message randomly one day saying “Hi! Who is this?”  
  
For some reason, he called himself a 13 year old girl called Kath. Couldn’t understand why Tom was doing what the police like to refer to as “grooming”, so I decided to go along with it as a joke… and I kinda never really got round to telling him the truth.   
  
Hahha did you know that MSN is an anagram of S‘n’M?  


  
  
DAY 6  
  
Hiding in Harry’s closet earlier. (I was trying to see if I could find Narnia, seeing as Harry seems to live there half the time.) James B came into the room and tried on this dress that Harry had got for his sister. I could see him standing in front of the wardrobe, muttering something about how Charlie was crazy to leave such a ‘hot young mama’.   
  
“I AMMM THE WARDROBE! I SEE ALLLLLL!!” I said in a deep voice.   
  
James jumped about a foot in the air, looking scared.   
  
“I – I – I have every right to wear this!” he said.  
  
“THAT DRESS DOES NOT BELONG TO YOOOUU!!”  
  
“Well – well, it  _could_  do!”  
  
“PURPLE IS NOT YOUR COLOUR.”   
  
James looked like he was about to cry.   
  
“Really?” he asked in a small voice.  
  
“TRUST THE WARDROBE.”   
  
“But I thought that it brought out the blue in my eyes and hair –”  
  
“NOOO!!! THE WARDROBE HAS SPOKEN!!!! NOW LEAVE!”  
  
He peeled off the dress and threw it in a heap on the floor, then ran out the room sobbing.   
  
What kind of moron thinks that wardrobe talk??  
  
  
DAY 7  
  
James B was sobbing in the garden today. I would have ignored him, except it was also pouring with rain and his wails were reaching levels that even Blink182 on full blast were failing to drown out.   
  
“Dude, you know this is probably very damaging to your health,” I said, coming outside, standing under a brolly. (Didn't offer the brolly to James - he was already soaked so what was the point in trying to keep him dry?)  
  
“I don’t care,” he said miserably as rain dripped off the end of his nose. “What’s the point in living? No one loves me.”  
  
I shrugged.   
  
“I might as well die,” he said, sniffing.   
  
I went back inside the house, got something and then came back outside.   
  
“Here,” I said to James as compassionately as I could. “This’ll make everything better.”  
  
I handed him the kitchen knife and went back inside.  
  
  
DAY 8  
  
James decided not to take my advice and left the knife untouched. The one thing that upset me slightly was where he left the knife;-  
  
In the neighbour’s cat.   
  
I had to sneak over the fence (IN THE SODDING RAIN) and remove it before someone discovered the dead moggy. Then I had to make it look as if the cat had simply tripped over and fallen onto a particularly large thorn in the rosebush.  
  
  
DAY 9  
  
Walked in on Tom during his ‘private time’ in the bathroom. He was doing some rather dodgy things with that blow-up doll that we gave him a joke last year.   
  
  
DAY 10  
  
Was rooting through Tom’s wardrobe when I found the blow-up doll he’s become so fond of, along with a puncture kit, a pack of jumbo-sized condoms and a book called “BALLOON ANIMALS – THE UNAPPRICIATED ART.”   
  
I’m slightly confused as to why exactly he’s got all this stuff. I saw him in the shower once, and he’s anything BUT jumbo-sized.  


  
DAY 11  
  
After a conversation, I have sneaking suspicion Tom is going to go looking for this dairy. I keep mine in the most obvious place – on my bedside table – but I don’t think that’ll actually occur to him.  
  
  
DAY 12  
  
Sure enough, Tom went looking for the diary. Set up a webcam in my room and watched via wireless internet in the bathroom.   
  
01:03pm : Tom enters Dougie’s lair.   
01.04pm : Tom makes beeline for bedside table.  
01:05pm : Tom picks up diary, which is on bedside table AND MOVES IT TO SIDE to look underneath it.   
01:08pm : Tom looks in lizard cage.  
01:09pm : Lizard cage search ends very abruptly when lizard mistakes Tom’s hand for its next snack. HA. Go Zukie!   
01:11pm : Tom looks in wardrobe. As he does, the door shuts behind him… and it’s one of those ‘only openable from the outside’ kind of doors.  
01:12pm : Tom is trapped in wardrobe.  
01: 13pm : Still trapped.  
01:14pm : Tom starts banging on the door for help.  
01:15pm : No one comes.  
01:16pm : Still no one. Still trapped.  
01:17pm : Dougie is getting bored.   
01:18pm : Dougie goes downstairs to kitchen to make a sandwich. In the kitchen, he finds Danny and Harry having a girly chat. Harry immediately denies being gay. Danny asks what the banging upstairs was. Dougie explains in a very witty way that it’s just Tom, refusing to come out the closet. Neither Harry or Danny seem too surprised by this.  
01:36pm : Dougie returns to bathroom to resume webcam watch.   
01:37pm : Tom is still in the wardrobe.   
01:38pm : The sounds of whimpering can be heard from the wardrobe now. Bored with the proceedings, Dougie temporarily abandons watch-post and unlocks wardrobe door before sprinting back to the bass-camp (haha, see what I did there? I made a clever pun.)   
01:42pm : Tom is still in the wardrobe.  
01:43pm : Evidently, Tom has failed to realise the door is unlocked and all he has to do is PUSH IT.   
01:45pm : Tom gives a small and delicate sob and leans against the door, obviously thinking he is going to die in this wardrobe – and then he goes crashing through the door.   
01:46pm : Tom proceeds to spend the next five minutes doing his victory dance.   
01:52pm : Tom goes back to searching.   
01:53pm : Tom looks under the bed and finds the fake diary hidden amongst the porn.   
01:54pm : Tom reads fake diary.   
01:55pm : Tom looks pissed off.   
01:56pm : Tom throws fake diary across room. It lands on the bedside table – NEXT TO THE REAL DIARY. He storms out Dougie’s lair with – HEY!!  
  
Son of bitch!!! He stole my latest copy of  _Hannah Montana Magazine_!!!   
  
  
DAY 13  
  
Tried to drop a hint to Tom over MSN about my true identity (here’s a clue – it rhymes with ‘Eougie’) but the moron completely failed in understanding. Spat in his tea instead as revenge for stealing my magazine.   
  
James status – still depressed. He was sitting on the sofa last night at some God-unearthly hour so I went to see if I could get him to go to bed (or get out our house). Told him what he needed was a nice boyfriend to shag and make him happy again.  
  
“Yeah right,” he said, sniffing miserably. “And who would love me? I thought Charlie did and -”  
  
“Woah, let’s not get too carried away here - I didn’t say we’d be finding someone to  _love_  you. I said  _shag_. There is a very subtle difference. We are not trying to perform a miracle here.”  
  
Sadly, James did not appreciate my honesty. This was quite hypocritical of him, as he’s recently written a song about Charlie Simpson called ‘But why wasn’t he honest with me (oooohh)’. He’s like those people who take the batteries out their smoke alarm and then whine when the house burns down.  
  
Actually, come to think of it, I think that’s why he’s staying with us.   
  
Anyway. He started to cry at my gift of the truth and let me tell you, I can’t stand seeing a fully-grown man cry. However, when I told him to go cry in the other room, it only upset him even more.   
  
“You know what? Harry thinks you’re quite cute,” I said, trying to think of something to shut him up.  
  
He looked up at me through his squinty, blood-shot, watery eyes, which had hideous bags underneath. His skin was spotty and red from crying, and he had snot smeared across his face.   
  
“Really?” he asked hopefully.  
  
“Yup! And you know what? He loves nothing better than when you go talk to him about Charlie!”  
  
“Really??”   
  
“Yu-huh! So why don’t you go up to his room right now and pour all your feelings out to him? I’m sure he’ll find it really adorable.”  
  
I felt a bit bad about Harry but hey, sacrifices must be made in times of trouble and hardship. With James out the room, I could watch some late-night porn shows in peace. I’m sure Harry would understand.  
  
  
DAY 14.  
  
Was sorting out some of my old porn when I found a shoe-box under my bed. Opened it and found a mini-civilisation of a new, higher-life form living inside it. They were like a tiny race of humans, each person about an inch high, with mansions, art galleries and amazing riches beyond our comprehension.  
  
Unfortunately, they also worshipped Tom as their God.  
  
Put the lid on the box and threw it out in the rubbish.   
  
Interview with a slash site tomorrow. Should be fun.   
  
  
DAY 15.   
  
Why am I keeping this diary anyway?   
  
Ah well.  
  
 **BOOBS.**  
  
  
DAY 16  
  
Slash site put up interview. All things considering, I think it went quite well!  
  
  
DAY 17   
  
James B. is depressed again. He was sitting in the garden and crying, so I grabbed my old BB gun and was preparing to shoot him from the roof in true sniper-style but then Harry turned up in the garden and was standing in my eye-line as he hung some washing out on the line (also ignoring James in the process).   
  
Useless Judd!!! I try to do him a favour by offing the guy who’s pursuing him and he inadvertently saves his life!! Right, this sort of thing shall not be forgiven… I will have to think of a suitable way to get revenge. I also need to sort out Bourne… wonder if there’s a way I can try to combine the two?  
  
  
DAY 18   
  
A-HA!! I am brilliant!!  
  
My school always said that I was destined to fail – well what do they know?! They just failed to realise that I was – and still am – a complete geneus!!  
  
Here’s the plan – Take Harry, who is completely in denial about his sexuality, and try and set him up with James B, the most annoying, whining person on the planet!! Ohhh, it makes me so happy to think of my amazing schemes!! Harry will be so confused and scared about what is going on and it’ll cheer up James slightly if he thinks he’s going to get a boyfriend so onward ho!! (Although JuddBourne would be such a dysfunctional relationship if it actually happens, so lets just pray that this plan doesn’t backfire on me.)   
  
Firstly though, I need to get Harry to open up a bit more about his gayness. Ever since we kissed – and FYI, HE came onto me when that happened – he’s been going bright red whenever he looks at me.   
  
Christ, I hope he doesn’t fancy me. I’d have to hurt his achey-breaky heart and tell him the truth about me – I’m actually an alien from Uranus and I just don’t DO humans.   
  
But yeah. Harry always keeps going red whenever we make eye-contact and mutters “I’m straight, you know?” He must have missed it when his own father called him the ‘gayest gay boy who ever nanced down the pike’.   
  
  
DAY 19   
  
ATTEMPTS TO GET HARRY TO ACCEPT HIS SEXUALITY – 1.  
DATE OF SAID ATTEMPT – Yesterday afternoon.   
DETAILS OF SAID ATTEMPT – Acted all cute and coy around Harry, telling him he was my first kiss (lol. What a lie).This forced him to remember the kiss and all details of said kiss in an attempt to work out if I was telling the truth or not.  
OVERALL SUCCESS – Hard to tell. He fell down the stairs as a result.   
  
James is upset. Apparently, Tom called him ‘Danny’ at a very inappropriate moment. Tom’s horrified and doesn’t understand how he got the two mixed up. It’s that bigger picture again… Tom always keeps missing it slightly.   
  
  
DAY 20  
  
Harry had a go at me in the recording studio today. Twat. Quite blatantly, he seriously cannot deal with the fact that we kissed and so, now feels horribly uncomfortable around me. Decided to go with it and lash back at him – got quite creative with my lies but I do hope no one actually thinks I’m that bothered about getting a solo song.   
  
Spoke to James as soon as we got home.   
  
“We’re going to be out tomorrow in the day – make sure you’re around in the evening. You and Harry have some issues you need to sort out. When you share your bed with someone, you create a very special bond with that person. Oh, and by the way – Harry LOVES it when people surprise him with late night visits...”   
  
Hahhahaaaa.  


  
  
DAY 21  
  
The plan failed – Harry eventually got so sick of James pursuing him that he sent him back to Matt.  
  
Technically thinking about it though, this wasn’t such a bad thing. Now I can go back to tormenting Harry's repressed sexuality in peace. James was starting to make things complicated anyway.   
  
Of course, James phoned up once he was at Matt's, sobbing that his life wasn’t worth living. I agreed with him and suggested he ended it all. He took my advice and tried to kill himself. Unfortunately, he did not take my advice on what method to use and tried to take an overdose...  
  
With Tic-Tacs.   
  
Considering that this is the same man who believed that wardrobes talk to him and purple is his colour, I shouldn’t really have been surprised at this display of shocking stupidity. Told James to get himself a puppy instead. They’re stupid creatures (like him) so he should have a companion for life.   
  
Spoke to Tom over MSN again. He’s still angsting over nearly shagging Bourne. Don’t blame him, really. On the plus side though, Tom gave me some GREAT tips on how I can torment Harry some more... namely by snogging him in a public place.   
  
I was quite surprised to hear this from Tom – Obviously, I’m having a bad influence on him.   
  
YES!!!  
  
  
DAY 22  
  
Remember how I said James B was stupid? I take it all back – with his IQ, the only possible explanation is that he’s actually mentally disabled.   
  
I said yesterday “Get a puppy”.  
  
He took my advice, went out and bought himself a rottweiler.   
  
Got a phone call from him at three in the morning, whimpering down the phone that his new puppy (which he’d named a combination of the names Charlie and Harry - Charry) was snarling at him and barking an awful lot.  
  
“… and it’s currently standing by my door and every time I try to go out, it tries to bite me! Dougie, I’m scared!! What do I do??”   
  
“OK, keep calm James, here’s what you do – MAKE A SUDDEN MOVE!”   
  
There was the sound of the dog barking furiously and James screaming before the phone went dead.   
  
  
DAY 23  
  
Danny, Tom and Harry are acting weird – they keep shooting embarrassed looks at each other before blushing and looking away. Thought of the twenty-nine ignored messages that James had left on my phone today and suddenly wondered if this was what it must have been like in the last few days of Busted.   
  
“Are we splitting up? Coz I really don’t want to end up turning into James Bourne,” I said with a gesture to the window, where James was standing with his face pressed against the glass. He’d been there for a few hours now since I’d been determinedly missing his phone calls, but I don’t think that Danny, Tom or Harry had realised he was there. This was confirmed when they all laughed at my wonderfully witty comment and then started screaming when they saw Bourne.   
  
Harry was acting like even more of a twat in this situation because he threw his arms around me and was holding on for dear life as he screamed (in a very girly way). I didn’t shove him off though because if Bourne DID manage to get into the house, I could use Harry as a human shield.   
  
Went outside to speak to James after Tom, Danny and Harry had run upstairs.  
  
“What the hell are you doing here?!” I hissed.   
  
“I need to speak to Harry, Dougie! You’ve got to help me, I’m going absolutely crazy without him!!”  
  
“You’re already crazy, you fucking lunatic!!”  
  
“Dougie PLEASE!!!”   
  
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not letting you speak to Harry. He’s completely terrified at the moment and someone – probably me – will have to go and reassure him that he’s OK.”   
  
James looked quite envious.   
  
“I need to apologise for scaring him,” he murmured, biting his lip thoughtfully. “What’s his favourite film?”   
  
I shrugged. “How am I supposed to know that?!”   
  
“You live with him!!” (Again, cue envious look from James.)  
  
“So?!”  
  
“Please Dougie… you’ve got to help me.”  
  
“Sigh.” (I actually said the word there.) “I think he likes the Godfather.”   
  
James then proceeded to ask me for a list of some of Harry’s other favourite things, like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens (not kidding there – HE’S SO GAY). I had to give him Judd’s favourite sweets, song, animal and a whole lot of other crap (Mars Bars, anything by Kylie and horses, for those who care).   
  
Went back inside and found Harry curled up under his duvet in his room. Tom and Danny were in Tom’s room together but there was no way in HELL I was going to risk going in there.  
  
“Dougie?” he asked in a small voice. “Is James gone?”  
  
I nodded. “Gone and dusted in the same way as Jesus!”   
  
He looked confused for a second, then it passed. “Will you… will you hold me for a bit? I’m just so scared.”  
  
I stared at him in disbelief.   
  
“Why would you want that?!”  
  
“Please?”   
  
He looked at me with wide, blue eyes, his entire body shaking.  
  
“NO!” I yelled incredulously. “Has the entire world gone fucking mad!?!”   
  
Stormed out his room and went for a wank in the living room instead.   
  
  
DAY 24  
  
Found James Bourne in Harry’s room today when the others were out. The conversation went like so –  
  
ME: What the fuck are you doing in here?!?  
JAMES: I wanted to give Harry an apology gift!  
ME: … Is that a severed horse’s head?  
JAMES: Well you said he liked horses and The Godfather, so I thought –  
ME:  **DON’T.**  I don’t want to know whatever weird thoughts have gone through that grey mush you call a brain.   
  
He left it in Harry’s bed. I advised him to wait in the bushes in the garden for the reaction.   
  
Funnily enough, it involved the police and James being dragged away.   
  
Hmm… I haven’t taunted Harry’s repression for a while… Suppose now's a good time as any to try out Tom's tips he gave me...  
  
  
DAY 25  
  
Snogged Harry on TV.   
  
Wish I hadn’t.  
  
Or rather, I wish I’d known that he’d just eaten marmite on toast before we’d gone on air.   
  
Got a phone call from James in his prison cell. He asked me why I seemed so determined to destroy McFly single-handedly. I told him I wasn’t – I’m just a very malicious person. Why are people always so shocked to discover this about me?  
  
Urgh. Feel ill. Bloody marmite.   
  
  
DAY 26  
  
Hahahahahahhahaahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa.  
  
Harry’s all confused now. He came in my room last night – and by that I mean he  **entered**  my room, not what you’re thinking, you sicko – and sat on the end of my bed as I lay under the duvet.  
  
“Dougie, you awake?” he asked, shaking my shoulder.   
  
I let out a patient, theatrical snore.  
  
“Dougie?”   
  
Snore.  
  
“Dougie, are you actually asleep or pretending?”  
  
“Pretending.”   
  
“Dougie!!!”  
  
“What??!!” I sat up and glared at him.  
  
“Dougie, I’ve been thinking… about that kiss…”  
  
“Oh lordy, here we go.”   
  
“Dougie, I’m not gay, you know.”  
  
“Sure sweety, of course you’re not.”   
  
“Well, I’m not!!”  
  
“I never said you were.”  
  
“You implied it!”   
  
“You’re paranoid, you know that?”   
  
“Shut up!!”  
  
  
DAY 27  
  
Tom figured out my true identity on MSN. (FINALLY!!!) I had to jump out a window to hide from him and ended up spending the day sitting on the roof.   
  
Worry not though, for I wasn’t alone. I found Harry up there. He looked quite surprised to see me – so surprised that he actually slipped off the roof.   
  
“Hello there,” I said calmly, looking down at him where he was hanging onto the gutter for dear life. “What are you doing up here?”  
  
“I wasn’t hiding from you!!” he said.

 

“Hmm. OK.”

  
I turned around to leave when Harry suddenly let out this pitiful wail.   
  
“What??”  
  
“HELP ME, YOU TWAT!!!”   
  
“Oh right…”   
  
Reached down and pulled him up.   
  
Then he did something very un-Harryish.   
  
He suddenly shot forward and kissed me.  
  
 **HARRY. KISSED. ME.**    
  
In broad daylight.  
  
On the roof.   
  
In full view of everyone.  
  
Without being drunk beforehand.   
  
I pulled back.  
  
“You SURE you’re not gay?!” I asked, licking my lips (he wears apple-flavoured lip gloss, which is surprisingly quite tasty). “Coz what you did there… that’s commonly referred to as ‘making the first move’.”   
  
“Shut up!!” he snapped, going back to the Harry I know and … err… know. “I’m straight!!”  
  
Bet you anything he doesn’t write about this in his diary.   
  
  
DAY 28  
  
HAHHAHAA!! HE DIDN’T!!!!!!  
  
Have nasty suspicion that Harry is starting to develop  **actual**  feelings for me though. EEEP. Am bringing Bourne back into the game.   
  
  
DAY 29  
  
Tom keeps wittering on about someone called Betsy. Is there hope for him after all?! Did he actually get himself a girlfriend after all this??  
  
Asked James if he still wanted to try his luck with Harry. He seemed quite eager, thank god, otherwise I’d have helped him break out of prison for no good  ~~raisin~~  reason. Told him how to get into the house undetected (through the bathroom window) and then he could knock on Harry’s bedroom door and talk to him.  
  
  
DAY 30  
  
Plan backfired again, this time even more spectacularly than usual. WHY AM I CURSED TO BE SURROUNDED BY SUCH IMBECILES????   
  
Anyway, the plan failed miserably as Harry was in the bath when James climbed in through the window. James got about half-way through “Harry, let me explain,” before Harry started screaming. I had been giving Danny a hand-job in his bedroom when we heard screaming coming from the bathroom, so we both ran to investigate. Found James sitting on the edge of the bath with a towel over his head and Tom in the bath with Harry, and let me tell you, THAT image will stay with me till the day I die.   
  
Shoved Danny into the bath on top of Tom and hastily pulled James into the hallway.   
  
“Look, just RUN, OK??” I said. If he got caught, the police could easily link things back to me and that would just create so much tedious paperwork.   
  
James agreed to leave but before he did, he told me to tell Harry something. Passed on James’s message when Harry was walking down the stairs later.  
  
 _“Look, I know you’re bent out of shape from kissing me. But when you finally figure out what you want, I’ll be waiting.”_  
  
I can’t wait to tell James Harry’s reaction. He’ll be so thrilled! When the hell did they kiss for the first time though? He can’t still be referring to that one time earlier this month, can he? What a loser.   
  
Oh, and I figured out who Betsy was, by the way. It wasn’t Tom’s secret girlfriend after all – it was a bloody guitar. Snapped the fret board in half in frustration. The useless git really needs to get out more.   
  
Unfortunately, this mindless act of vandalism upset Tom slightly. He went sobbing onto Danny’s shoulder and then afterwards, came sobbing to me. Told him that he was so blatantly in love with Danny. Much to my complete and utter surprise, he agreed with me.   
  
How the bloody hell did that happen!??!?!  



End file.
